John Montgomery  Presents This Week's Creep Logo by Lynn Kauczka

Major Charles Ingram Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? (Cough!)

While we've been concentrating on the recent dangerous behavior of such religiously twisted, power-mad terrorists as Osama bin Laden and John Ashcroft, it's somewhat comforting to know that there are still some petty scumbags lurking in the wilderness who merely want to scam someone out of a few million dollars. No extremism, no violence, no destruction of the constitution. Just some standard, traditional greed and avarice. These are people who earn their money the old fashioned way: by lying and cheating. Kind of refreshing, isn't it?

Meet this week's entry into the "I'm Not Quite As Smart As I Think I Am" club, Major Charles Ingram of the British Army who serves Her Majesty as a Royal Engineer. He and his wife Diana, along with Tecwen Whittock, head of business at Pontypridd College, were all arrested by Scotland Yard detectives for cheating when Charles was a contestant on the British version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" That show actually originated over there before emigrating to the United States, where it made an unlikely superstar of host Regis Philbin, who up to that point had been known only as the dull sidekick of the sickening and vomitous Kathie Lee Gifford.

Charles won the top prize of one million pounds (that's $1.41 million American) on the show last September, but the producers stopped payment on the check when they became suspicious of Charles's performance. Their theory is that when Charles was competing, Diana and Tecwen were conspiring in a rather simple scheme to provide him the correct answers. While Charles would delay using the usual methods of repeating all the questions for as long as 15 minutes, rubbing his head and sweating like a pig, someone outside the studio would look up the answer on the internet and relay it to an audience member via cell phone who would then signal Charles by coughing.

Not too shabby, eh? They might have gotten away with it, but the producers' BS detectors were raised after listening to the coughing noises coming from the audience as Charles pondered his answers. He started out looking pretty weak, using his "phone-a-friend" and "ask-the-audience" lifelines on relatively easy questions, but then aced the final question: "What is the name of a number that is one followed by 100 zeros?" Answer: A googol. Did you know that? Would you have to use your "turn your head and have your friend cough" lifeline? Could Regis have seen through such a scam?

Further mucking up the works is the fact that Diana and her brother-in-law, Adrian Pollock, were both previous winners on the show. She had actually written a book called "Win a Million," which gave hints and tips for competing successfully. Don't look for that one in Oprah's book club.

Charles, of course, denies all the allegations. His lawyer says, "He is stunned, bewildered and devastated at the action that has been taken and feels that the effects leave his career in the Army and livelihood in tatters." That sounds so British, doesn't it? If a contestant on the American version of the show had been accused of cheating, he would have hired F. Lee Bailey, who would have immediately issued a statement saying, "Regis better watch himself. We have the Kathie Lee tapes."

Now that Scotland Yard is in the act, security on the "Millionaire" set will resemble that of Dick Cheney's secret hideaway. The 200 people who were in the audience during Charles's performance will be questioned and asked to provide their cell phone records. Future audience members will be searched and won't be allowed to bring cell phones into the studio. There will also be security cameras with "night lights" aimed at the audience at all times. If you're a pocket pool player, better stow it before you walk into that studio. Pee Wee Herman, stay away.

Quick solution to everyone's problems: Send the Major to Afghanistan. Send Diana and Tecwen to jail. Send Regis to a tailor.