John Montgomery  Presents This Week's Creep Logo by Lynn Kauczka

John Ashcroft Holding What's Left of Your Constitutional Rights

US Attorney General John Ashcroft has a lot on his mind these days. He's looking for the guys who planned the 911 attacks and the guys who've been sending the anthrax through the mail. How's he doing on his appointed tasks? Here's today's up-to-the-minute box score:

Terrorist Attackers: 5000
John Ashcroft: 0

Anthrax Attackers: 4
John Ashcroft: 0

With results like that, you'd think John would be redoubling his resolve and focusing his energy on rounding up those evil bastards and hauling them in for some good old fashioned American justice. You'd think. But you forgot one important point: In addition to being grossly incompetent, John is a dangerously hysterical religious lunatic as well.

This week, John took a well deserved break from those silly terrorist searches so he could address something really important for a change: assisted suicide. I'll bet that's on the top of your worry list, isn't it? Once we fix that crisis, we can get back to those other trivial items. But hey, give the guy a break: John has to protect us not only from terrorists but from the immorality rampaging though our country.

John's contribution to improving our moral fiber was to direct his federal agents to take action against doctors who prescribe lethal drugs for terminally ill patients under Oregon's Death with Dignity Act. That law, approved by voters in Oregon twice (the last time by a 60% majority), allows a person to commit suicide with a physician's assistance if two doctors agree the person has less than six months to live and is mentally competent to make the decision. Who could possibly object to a private decision made by a doomed patient in excruciating pain? Only a raving, self-righteous extremist on a Mission From God.

I don't care how people practice their religion. They can read their bibles, say their rosaries, eat their kosher food, make their pilgrimages to Mecca, and bugger their holy goats all night long if that will bring them spiritual salvation. But that's never enough. What these deranged holy rollers want more than anything else is to cram their religion down your throat, up your ass, and as far into any of your other available orifices as they can possibly stuff it. And when one of these sanctimonious maniacs gets into a position of political power, we all have to bend over and prepare for an involuntary and intrusive dose of someone else's religion.

How did such a drooling fanatic become the chief law enforcement officer in the whole country? A little history: A year ago, John was a United States Senator from Missouri who was defeated for re-election. But it wasn't just any defeat. His opponent was Governor Mel Carnahan, who had been killed in a plane crash three weeks before the election. That's worth repeating: The voters of Missouri preferred to have a dead man with no heartbeat as their Senator rather than John. An event like that should have convinced him to carve a big red L for Loser into his forehead and then crawl back to his church pews and choir lofts. Enjoy your retirement, John. Do whatever you want, just stay the hell away from Washington.

But it was not to be. George W Bush needed to thank the Jerry Falwells and Pat Robertsons of his party for the privilege of kissing their divine asses throughout the 2000 election, so he tossed them John as Attorney General. So far, John has eliminated all constitutional rights for anyone he deems to be a terrorist. "I'm not a terrorist," you think? "That won't affect me!" Right, that's what they all say. Osama bin Laden doesn't think he's a terrorist either. Your opinion regarding whether or not you're a terrorist doesn't count. John's does. And he's a pious, dogmatic nut case. See you in jail, evil doer.

And if all this makes you so sick you want to kill yourself, you can't. Where are all the states rights advocates? Doesn't the will of the Oregon voters mean anything? Isn't it the Republican party that believes in decreasing the size and power of the federal government? Oh I forgot, John listens to a higher authority.

Guys who fly jets into tall buildings say the same thing.