John Montgomery  Presents This Week's Creep Logo by Lynn Kauczka

Osama bin Laden Wanted: Dead, Alive or Handcuffed to the Bedpost

Abdullah shakes his head sadly and says, "Out here there is only Khalid the Camel. And you have to use the step stool to get up there."

Osama is horrified. "Are you crazy? What kind of derelict do you think I am? I'm not resorting to a lower species of animal to fulfill my needs!" Abdullah only shrugs.

Several more months go by and Osama is finding the celibacy unbearable. He decides that Khalid the Camel wouldn't be so bad after all. So he waits until nightfall and goes outside the cave to where Khalid the Camel is standing. Osama gets up on the step stool, positions himself in place, and starts poking.

He's just beginning to enjoy this new experience when Abdullah walks by and sees what's going on. "What the hell are you doing, Osama?" he screams. "Allah will strike you down for your abhorrent behavior!"

Osama is confused. "What do you mean, Abdullah? Several months ago I asked you what you did for sex out here and you said I had to use Khalid the Camel."

Abdullah shakes his head once more. "Yeah, I meant you have to ride him into town!"

This week, we finally got a good look at this sorry son of a bitch. Osama bin Laden sent his followers and his enemies an Important Message in the form of a cheap, homemade video that had all the scenery, dialog and plot qualities of a low grade porno flick (so I've been told). The video featured an intro given by an Ed McMahon-like, "Heeeeere's Osama" sidekick and then it was on to the monologue by the star of the show, spoken in a droning voice into a hand-held mike with the distortion levels turned up to the max. There was no question and answer period afterwards.

What did Osama have to say? Who knows? Who cares? It was full of the empty, flowery language that politicians everywhere use, repeating each point at least fifty times but saying absolutely nothing of interest. God "has elevated the skies without pillars", Osama reports, and the battle will cease only when "all the infidel armies leave the land of Mohammed." There was no shouting or waving of the arms. He didn't even break a sweat. There was just that high-pitched, sleep-inducing voice.

My first thought was: This is the guy who masterminded the worst terrorist attack in history? The one who motivates scores of deranged idiots to kill themselves with the promise of everlasting glory and 77 virgins apiece? The slime bag who's shoved paralyzing fear into billions of people all over the planet? He's boring! His speech was as drab and colorless as the Miss Afghanistan Pageant. He makes George W Bush look like an exciting, masterful orator.

Then another thought struck. Did you notice those delicate manicured fingers, the large brown eyes, and that deliberate, prissy manner? Didn't Osama appear just a little (how shall I say this?) effeminate? Do you suppose The Evil One is actually The Evil Gay One?

Think about it. That would explain everything. You've heard about his 50 siblings, but have you ever heard anything about a wife? Kids? A girlfriend? Even a sneak visit to a discreet whore house in the back of a cave somewhere?

No! Osama's not interested in women. He's been dipping his wicked wick into Pakistani fannies for years now. He sucks the sand off Saudi snakes for breakfast before sunrise. God may be elevating the skies every morning, but Osama's been elevating little boys every night. His ass is one of the most popular tourist attractions in the Middle East. If we ever do catch him, we better do a complete body cavity search so we can yank all the gerbils out of there.

Imagine how tough life must be for a Muslim flit boy. Where does he hang out to find men? There aren't any gay bars in Afghanistan. In fact, there aren't any bars at all. And Allah only knows where you'd find any K-Y over there. No wonder Osama's so pissed off all the time. That must be why those guys live in caves. The Taliban vice squad can't peer in the windows while the pretty boys are packing those garter belts and push up bras under their robes.

Another clue: Osama's quite the mama's boy. You know who he called the night before the 911 attacks? That poor, exhausted old lady, worried about trying to raise 50 kids in such dangerous world: Mom. Thanks to a leak from Attorney General John Ashcroft, I happen to have a transcript of that call:

"Hey Ma - Be sure to watch CNN tomorrow morning. Something big's going down and you'll really be proud of me. God will be elevating the skies without pillars. The infidels will get their just reward! It will be my finest hour!"

"Who is this? Osama? Which one are you again?"

"Aw Ma, you always loved Dahab, Al-Sharq, Mushahid, Mehmood, Rashid, Mahathir and El-Sayed best!"

OK, Bush. You want to assume your place in the history books? All you gotta do is find this perverted degenerate and get rid of him. Our nation (and Khalid the Camel) will be most grateful.