John Montgomery  Presents This Week's Creep Logo by Lynn Kauczka

Rudy Giuliani Don't Try To Get Through This Without Me!

No politician has received better reviews since 911 than New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani. He was close to ground zero at the time of the attack, but narrowly escaped. He proceeded directly to the scene of the rescue efforts and has spent the time since then kicking ass and taking names. It's been a non-stop round of press conferences and meetings to coordinate the city's response to the attack, not to mention funerals and memorial services. Rudy hasn't hesitated to step in where he thought he needed to, like when he threatened city price gougers not only with legal action, but also with a visit from Paulie Walnuts and Silvio Dante.

In short, Rudy's been in charge. A leader. Not a politician, but a leader. That's what our elected officials are supposed to be all the time, but almost never are. And the people love it. Rudy's da man once again in da Big Apple, now getting approval ratings of 95%, higher than even George W Bush.

Not bad for a guy who only a month ago was generally regarded as an ailing, philandering, polarizing lame duck with a checkered past and no future. During his term as mayor, Rudy's been credited with lowering the crime rate and ridding the city of annoyances like the squeegee men, but he managed to piss away all that good will with a series of bonehead moves. He has constantly defended his Police department which has a disturbing tendency to sodomize and shoot unarmed black guys. He had a series of mistresses which he flaunted blatantly, leading to an ugly and very public divorce. His marital problems and subsequent health problems led him to drop out of the race for US Senate last year which essentially handed the victory to Hillary Clinton.

So Rudy's resurrection has been miraculous. His second term as mayor expires at the end of this year and he is prevented by law from running again. He could have retired from the mayor's job at his peak, free to ride his enhanced reputation to higher office or the history books. But you know what happens when politicians sniff a whiff of adulation or hear a bit of applause. The all-consuming, junkie-like high that power brings makes them lose all dignity and self-control. The leadership mask crumbles and you can see them for what they really are, and always have been: Hypocrites and whores.

Now Rudy says he wants "to do something that unifies the city because I love this city." Any guesses as to what that might be? Right, stay on as mayor, of course! What a great idea! He's doing such a wonderful job, everybody loves him and the whole place will go straight to hell (at least the parts that haven't done so already) without Rudy's sterling leadership.

But what about those nasty term limits, Rudy? How do you get around them? And, by the way, weren't you a strong supporter of term limits when New York City voters approved them twice in the 1990's? And didn't we manage to get through the Civil War and World War II and the Great Depression and Watergate and Monica Lewinsky without altering the election laws to save the career of one politician who thinks he's indispensable?

Well, says Rudy, there's no cause for that kind of talk. You shouldn't criticize your duly elected leaders at critical moment like this. What kind of unpatriotic communist are you anyway?  These are extraordinary times that call for extraordinary measures. We'll get the New York State Legislature and the City Council to change the laws. The citizens of New York City demand nothing less than the best and the only way to get that is to keep Rudy Giuliani on as mayor for life!

Some of the unpatriotic communists in the Legislature and City Council balked at suspending laws for the benefit of the mayor, so Rudy came up with Plan B. He threatened the three candidates now running for mayor, telling them if they didn't agree to delay the start of the new mayor's administration for three months, Rudy would run himself, despite the legal issues, taking away their votes, destroying their credibility, and making them all look stupid in the process.

This ruse of Rudy's is nothing but a pure, unmitigated grab for power, using the terrorist attacks and 6,000 dead people as an excuse. It sets a dangerous precedent that our rule of law can be suspended on the say of one power-mad politician, if he can manage events to make it happen. It's like martial law without an army. A militant coup without weapons. Stomping on our democracy would be absolutely the worst, most destructive effect of the terrorist attacks. It stinks like a Taliban turban that's been out in the Afghanistan sun for way too long.

And don't think Rudy's the only one. Standing in the wings is the slimiest member of Bush's cabinet, Attorney General John Ashcroft, who's carrying around a briefcase full of proposals to limit our personal freedoms in the name of national security. If watching the World Trade Center towers collapse caused Osama bin Laden to roll on the floor laughing, Rudy and John's latest loony tunes must have caused him to shed a tear in awe at two protégés in the making.

Forget it, Rudy. The only job you deserve next New Year's Day is Ex-Mayor. Take your gold watch and move to Florida like the rest of the retirees. Down there, they have some experience at bulldozing over the electoral process.