John Montgomery  Presents This Week's Creep Logo by Lynn Kauczka

Assorted 911 Creeps     The Hoods, The Bad and The Very Ugly

We've seen some genuine heroes come out of the 911 tragedy. They deserve all the praise and prayers we can offer. Even a few politicians look better than we've seen them before. They should enjoy it while they can because it never lasts long. But as you know, it is not my job to sing praises. Others can do that far better than me. It's my sad duty to point out who's making a terrible situation worse. The death toll is now over 6,000 and rising. At least the victims don't have to put up with this suite of swine.

• The Grave Robbers. Rescue workers at the World Trade Center found something amazing in the subterranean passageways under the site. Stores had been looted. While everyone else was scrambling to help others get the hell out of there, a few loathsome losers took the time to smash display cases, steal $2500 watches and designer sunglasses, pry open at least one cash register and attempt to break into a row of Chase ATMs.

Two guys got arrested for the looting, including a former city corrections officer who was also charged with impersonating a police officer. Soon, he will be impersonating someone's girlfriend.
 
• The Men of the Cloth. This week, we received the answer to one of the great theological questions of our time: Who's the bigger asshole, Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson? Up until now, I would have thought it was a dead heat. But I was wrong. Offer your congratulations to Pat. He is the winner.

You will remember that Jerry showed up on Pat's 700 Club TV show last week to launch a diatribe blaming gays and those satanic liberals for the terrorist attack, proclaiming it to be God's punishment. Pat sat there with his tongue hanging out, nodding like a madmen, shouting out "I totally concur" and "Jerry, that's my feeling" and, of course, a rousing "Amen!"

After taking a rash of criticism from a variety of sources, including the White House, Jerry offered an apology of sorts, saying, "In the midst of the shock and mourning of a dark week for America, I made a statement that I should not have made and which I sincerely regret."

But what about Pat "I totally concur" Robertson? The good Reverend put out a statement calling Jerry's remarks "severe and harsh in tone, and, frankly, not fully understood." I thank an enterprising reader for pointing out that Pat's hate-filled 700 Club is broadcast on the Family Channel which is now owned by the Walt Disney Co. Send Walt and Mickey some email and tell them Pat is a sleazy weasel who makes you and your entire family puke with disgust.

• The Bomb Threateners. Since 911, false bomb threats seem to have become very popular, emptying out buildings all over New York and other large cities. Evidently, these sick puppies are hard to trace because you rarely hear about any of them getting caught. Marcelo Almeida must be one of the dumber ones. He made two bomb threats at JKF airport in New York and is now looking at ten years in jail and a $250,000 fine. Since Marcelo likes bombs so much, let's strap him onto the first one we drop in Afghanistan. No threat this time.

• The Towel Head Fever Sufferers. We really shouldn't be surprised that a Sikh in Arizona and a Pakistani in Dallas were both shot to death in the last week by victims of Towel Head Fever. The killers surely were not nice, quiet, suburban dwellers who all of a sudden were driven into a mad frenzy by the 911 events. This was just an excuse for some bigots to express their hatred, acts indistinguishable from those of the terrorists.

But it's getting pretty ugly everywhere now. There have been at least five incidents where Arab-looking people have been kicked off flights before takeoff because of complaints by other passengers. They didn't like their looks or their turbans or their couscous breath. Is this fear or bigotry? Sense or nonsense? I don't know. I'm not sure who I'd be rooting for if I was there myself. Some better person than me better figure out how to solve this.

And if we need a poster boy for Towel Head Fever, how about Congressman John Cooksey, Republican of Louisiana? Most politicians have been on their best behavior in recent days, but John called for a new security policy where anyone who has "a diaper on his head and a fan belt wrapper around the diaper" needs to be singled out for questioning. John needs a diaper, but not on his head.

• Gary Condit. Gary, we miss you. Please come back. We're sorry. It won't happen again.

• The Terrorists. Let's not let the stench of American bad guys allow us to forget who the real villains are in this mess. After spending a few days stalling for time, the Taliban refused to give up Osama bin Laden. Big surprise. You think this is all a matter of religious fervor gone wild? You naive little pansy. Like governmental leaders everywhere, the Taliban is motivated to protect Osama because of the almighty dollar. Or whatever their money is called over there. The scud? The shiite? The camel dung heap?

Osama is worth about $300 million and generates tens of millions more in contributions from other rich Islamic crackpots. He channels much of that money to the Taliban to help them fight their Afghan civil war. If they give Osama the boot, the money goes with him. Politics is a dirty business no matter where it's practiced. And after a while, it all starts to look the same.