John Montgomery  Presents This Week's Creep Logo by Lynn Kauczka

Sony Phony Sony

Did you see the review of my web site that appeared in the current issue of Web Wankers Weekly? It was written by the renowned Internet Critic, Ms. Lotta Miles. I'm reproducing it here with Lotta's permission. I'm pretty damn proud of myself:

Well, color me delighted, refreshed, enthused and turned on! I just spent a few hours rolling my tender tush on the floor laughing uproariously at the brilliant humor found on John Montgomery's Creep of the Week web site. It's too much! I mean it! My tears are streaming, my sides are aching, and my morning tea just came spewing through my nose! Read the one about Dick Cheney! John captures Dick's uptight arrogance perfectly! And for you Republicans, piggy-wiggy Gary Condit gets the Creep treatment, too! Entertaining! Thought provoking! It's a riot! Everybody's talking about it at the office!

And have you seen John's picture? Oh my God! I'm wet! I'm dripping! Somebody bring me a towel!

Wow. Very impressive. Lotta sure knows how to get her readers excited. Makes you want to drop everything and click on over, doesn't it? If you weren't already a Creep fan (which you obviously are or you wouldn't be here), you'd want to find out what all the hubbub was about, wouldn't you? Just because Lotta said so, right?

But the sad story is: There is no Lotta Miles and no Web Wankers Weekly. They are just figments of my overactive and sleazy imagination. I made the whole thing up just to get you to read my amateurish web site because I knew it wouldn't attract you on its own dubious merits. So what do you think of me now? Aren't I pathetic? A cad, a louse, a fake and a sham? Not to mention a big time Creep, right?

True enough, but I'm not the only one in that kind of business. This week, two executives from Sony Pictures admitted in an Oregon court that they had concocted a fake movie critic, David Manning, and had made up quotes from him which they used to market two films, "A Knight's Tale" and "The Animal". Sony suspended the two executives (temporarily) from their jobs, and agreed to pay a $25,000 fine if it ever happens again. Several other states are also investigating Sony and at least two individuals are suing because they say the phony quotes induced them to go see crappy movies.

And what imaginary quotes did the imaginary David write about these crappy movies? Must have been something intelligent, insightful and compelling, right? I mean, it's not like they had to keep to the bounds of reality here. They could have said anything. But the quotes were pretty mundane considering they went through all the trouble of making up David in the first place. David called "A Knights Tale" actor Heath Ledger this year's hottest new star and described "The Animal" as another winner. The cretins who claimed those fake quotes induced them into seeing those movies ought to be thrown in jail for their own protection because they're so frighteningly gullible.

The bigger question is, why did Sony think they needed to make up a reviewer in order to get our entertainment dollars? Sony is a media giant which has its monopolistic Japanese fingers in movies, TV, music and electronics. They own the movie you see, the theater you see it in, the popcorn and soda you chow down there, the movie soundtrack CD you buy the next day and the CD player you play it in. They even own the Playstation and all its associated paraphernalia you waste the rest of your time with. Isn't that enough? They have to get a more more bucks from stupid people who let movie critics make their decisions for them?

With most of the movies released these days, you don't need any information at all to make a decision. The biggest money-making film this week is "American Pie 2". You already know the plot. You've seen it a hundred times before. Horny guys try to get laid and endure many horribly degrading events in the process. Throw in a few nice sets of tits and you have a money maker.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not above that kind of film. I saw the original "American Pie" and thought the scene where the guy poked the pie was hilarious. Sure it was sophomoric, unsubtle, frat-boy, gross-out humor, but it was still hilarious. In fact, if they ever wanted me to write a real review, one that's not a fake in any way, I'd write: Best pie poking scene ever!

Maybe it's time I go see Lotta and find out if she's dried off yet.