John Montgomery  Presents This Week's Creep Logo by Lynn Kauczka

Ronald Gay Defending the Honor of the Gay Family Name

My theory on gay bashing, whether it's physical or verbal, has been often stated and often proved: If a guy spends his Friday nights beating up gays, he'll spend his Saturday nights at the pet store buying declawed gerbils. They're all frustrated closet queens, desperate to break out and ride the snake. All of them. The whole pack. From Matthew Glavin to Aaron McKinney and every cock-coveting, flaming fairy in between.

The theory is irrefutable, but Ronald Gay has come up with a new twist on gay bashing: He's gaily pissed off because the gays have usurped his name right out from under him. Last September, he walked into a gay bar in Roanoke, Virginia, ordered a beer and then calmly fired at least eight shots from a 9 mm handgun, killing one man and injuring six others. He was arrested minutes later and told police he was angry because people always made fun of his name.

In the months since then, Ronald's come up with a few more excuses. Vietnam post-traumatic stress disorder. Six divorces. Wife number five was a lesbian. He burned his legs while using gasoline to burn his divorce papers. He was an alcoholic and a drug abuser. Then he got rejected for a job as a Santa Claus at the Salvation Army. You know how they feel about Gays.

But it was Ronald's Gay / not gay obsession that pushed him over the edge. He was convinced that gay guys were trying to destroy society with AIDS and wanted to make them all move to San Francisco. And of course, he got a dose of Jerry Falwell's old time religious hatred, describing the violence as a "Christian soldier working for my Lord."

One of the events that really seemed to upset Ronald was that three of his sons changed their last name. And why didn't Ronald try that? Wouldn't that have been a reasonable alternative? He wouldn't be doing the Lord's work, but think how much easier that would have been. He could have become Ronald Studley. Or Ronald Macho. Maybe even Ronald Homophobe. And if the Gay last name was sacred, why not change his first name? How about Knott Gay? Perfect!

If Ronald had been an American Indian, he could have become very creative in the "Dances With Wolves" vein. He could have named himself "Screws Only Women" or "Packs No Fudge". And why not just a lighthearted bumper sticker like "No Hairy Asses For Me, Baby!"

Ronald should have picked a role model like Marvin Gaye. Marvin never had any trouble with his last name. He was always surrounded with sexy chicks. Of course, Marvin got shot dead by his father (the elder Mr. Gaye) so he may not be the best example.

But what about me? Back in my school days, I used to take a lot of abuse because my name is John. "Going to the John, John? Ah ha ha ha ha ha!" But it's been years since I've killed any of those juvenile bathroom bastards. The gun shots always sounded so loud echoing off the ceramic walls.

Alas, Ronald did not take any of my good advice. This week he was sentenced to four life terms in prison - one for the killing, one for the woundings and two for listening to Jerry Falwell. His only comment: "I have a lot of things running through my head." Ronald will have a lot of things running through his ass when he moves into his new home.

For your own personal safety, I recommend that you peruse the local phone book so you can try predicting which of your neighbors will be the next one to go berserk because of some sexual hang-up about his last name. Let's just hope he's not named Bush.