John Montgomery Presents This Week's  Creep Logo by Lynn Kauczka

July 7, 2001 Gary Condit

In some ways, Gary Condit's not any different from all those other politicians who get in trouble through the misbehavior of their errant dongs. First, there's denial: "I did not pork her!" Then there's silence: "I will not have anything more to say on the subject other than my previous statement that I DID NOT PORK HER! Also, I didn't pork any of those other ones, either." Next comes the inevitable backtracking: "OK, OK, I guess I did pork her. And a few of the other ones, too. But it doesn't make any difference. I'm still a patriotic American who only wants the best for the country I love and I won't be silenced by the muckrakers who only want to besmirch my record!"

Right. We've heard that song and dance from Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Rudy Guiliani, Dan "Scumbag" Burton, and of course, the Big Kahuna Porker, Bill Clinton. There's nothing new in all this that hasn't been going on since politicians started pandering and porking centuries ago. But there is a difference in Gary's case. His porkee is missing. Disappeared without a trace over two months ago. And Gary's up to his neck in the muck.

Gary Condit, 53, is a Democratic Congressman from California. Married, of course. Chandra Levy was a 24-year-old resident of Gary's district who came to Washington to work as an intern. Single, of course. She has been missing since April 30. Since then, Gary has not made any public statements about Chandra other than describing her as a "good friend." He's been literally running away from reporters in order to avoid answering any questions.

Of course, that's his right. Perhaps Gary's just one of those hard working pols who only has time for his constituents and believes that sex between consenting adults should be private. As his lawyer Abbe Lowell describes it, the news media should be chastised for its effort to "expose highly personal and private Condit family matters" and to "dissect and mischaracterize" Gary's personal life.

Well, good for Gary! Finally a politician who won't be caught up in the sleaze of rumor and innuendo! A guy who draws the line between public and private lives and believes everyone else should, too! Believe that? If so, Gary's been porking you, too.

It turns out that back in 1998, Gary voted for opening the impeachment inquiry into Bill Clinton's Oval Office blow job. At the time, here's what this sniveling weasel had to say about Bill's porking escapades: “Only when we strip away the cloak of secrecy and lay the facts on the table can we begin to resolve this matter honestly and openly.” He went on to characterize Bill's evasiveness as a steady "drip-drip-drip”.

I think we need a new law. Any pompous, high and mighty politician who voted for the impeachment inquiry has to have his (or her) genitals publicly inspected on a weekly basis to determine whether he (or she) has been porking in any unauthorized locations.

Fair enough? Good. Let's shine the 600-watt klieg spotlight on Gary's little porker and see what we can find.

• Chandra's cell phone records show she called Gary's answering service "several times" on April 29 and 30. When Chandra's parents called that same number, Gary himself called back.

• Chandra's aunt, Linda Zamsky, says Chandra told her that she and Gary had been porking for about a year at Gary's Washington-area apartment while his wife, who was chronically ill, was back in California. They used to have conversations about having a baby together after Gary left politics.

• Anne Marie Smith, 39, (no known relation to Anna Nicole Smith) a stewardess from San Francisco, says she and Gary were also porking. After Chandra disappeared, Gary told Anne she didn't have to talk to law enforcement authorities and tried to get her to sign an affidavit stating that she had not been porking with Gary. Anne refused. Gary denies this. Drip drip drip.

• Last winter, Anne started getting suspicious that Gary was two-timing her with another woman. Chandra? Monica? Hillary?

• According to Anne, Gary said he'd never divorce his wife because he didn't want to "pull a Newt Gingrich." At least Newt had the decency to make his porkee an honest ho by marrying her.

• Last week at a Georgetown reception, Gary was seen grabbing Linda Tripp's ass, which has been reduced to relatively svelte size 56 through emergency cellulite sucking surgery.

The conventional wisdom theory says that Chandra, devastated by Gary's breaking off of their relationship, committed suicide. Once her body shows up, he will be shown to have been guilty of nothing more than dumping one of his many porkees.

I don't believe it. I think he killed her. With his bare hands. The same hands that grabbed Linda Tripp's ass. I can't imagine which crime was more disgusting.