John Montgomery Presents This Week's	April 14, 2001	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Christine Todd Whitman
	From Jersey Shore To Washington Whore

It's a sad thing to watch a politician take the inevitable slide from idealistic servant of the people to high-priced, hypocritical whore. It happens to almost all of them. They may start out with every intention of doing good deeds for society, but once they get a whiff of power, out goes the integrity and in comes the knee pads and Vaseline. As their careers go on, the price may vary, but the act is the same: Politicians resemble soused sows in heat, waving their derrieres in the air, squealing "Who will pay to pork me?"

The latest paid porkee is Christine Todd Whitman, formerly the governor of New Jersey and currently the head of George W Bush's Environmental Protection Agency. At one time, Christie actually looked like a woman of some backbone. She was a "moderate Republican", an increasingly rare species which follows the party line on economic matters, but not on social issues like abortion, affirmative action and gay rights. She managed to stand up to the lunatic fringe right wing of her party, who despise her, to get elected twice as governor.

Christie's performance in New Jersey was pretty decent if you discount the times she got her jollies by feeling up black guys during racial profiling events with the state police. Her environmental record was mixed: she favored open-space preservation but cut back on water pollution protections and prosecutions.

So when Snippy nominated Christie to be the EPA administrator, reaction was lukewarm. The left wing didn't trust her to defend the environment from the likes of bought-and-paid-for energy company whores like Dick Cheney, and the right wing just wanted to make sure she wouldn't have any influence over social policy.

Nevertheless, Christie got confirmed for the job and started cracking the EPA whip she'd been given. She made the rounds of TV talk shows and conventions, touting Snippy's environmental campaign pledges like the one to reduce carbon dioxide emissions linked to global warming. "Yes," she assured worried air-breathers, "This administration stands by its promises! Hurray for the EPA!"

The energy companies were aghast and went immediately to their personal prostitute, Dick Cheney. "Hey Dick," they complained. "Christie thinks you actually meant that carbon dioxide pledge. Do something quick!"

Dick promptly called Christie in for some counseling. "Get down on your hands and knees, Christie, it's time for you to get porked!" And pork her he did. "Repeat after me! We're breaking that carbon dioxide campaign promise and you're going to like it!"

What do you do when your boss makes you look like a fool in front of the whole world? Depends on how much of a whore you are. Christie played the good soldier and carried on without comment, patiently awaiting her next public porking.

Luckily for Christie, Dick has a bad heart and isn't allowed to pork more than once every few weeks or so. Her next porking lesson came in the form of relaxed standards for the amount of arsenic that will be allowed in drinking water. Dick got to sweating and breathing so heavy after that one that Christie, like the good little porkee she's become, offered to personally take the blame. She also offered him a glass of water, which only caused him to sweat harder and shout, "Haven't you been listening? You can't drink the water! It's full of arsenic!"

This week, Christie's slide to slavish slut became complete. She wrote an op-ed piece for USA Today to defend her actions. Obviously written with the dim-witted in mind, it was full of perky platitudes like her intention "to make to make Washington more citizen-centered, results-oriented and market-based." She took the blame for the arsenic decision, didn't mention carbon dioxide and finished with a sickening bromide worthy of Kathie Lee Gifford: "I want the phrase, 'I'm from Washington and I'm here to help' to become an invitation to partnership that every American will want to embrace." Who will pay to pork me?

You can lead a whore to water. But you can't make her reduce the arsenic in it.