John Montgomery Presents This Week's	February 24, 2001	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Robert Hanssen
	A Good Spy Goes Badenov

You know those guys you meet out there in the jungle every day who always act like they're smarter than everybody else? I'm talking about those arrogant pricks who go through life looking down at the rest of the inferior people they encounter, wearing smug smiles that say they're in on some secret that no one else knows. Don't trust any of these condescending cruds. Better yet, take the initiative. The next time one of these prima donnas turns his back on you, smash him over the head with a hammer and sickle while screaming out, "OK Vladamir, you treacherous, turn-coated snake! The jig's up! I'm hauling your treasonous ass right down to the FBI!"

This week the FBI found another rotten, rancid apple in its orchard. Robert Hanssen, a counterintelligence agent for 27 years, got arrested as he deposited classified material at a "dead drop" in a park near his home for his Russian pals to pick up. For the last 15 years, he's been transmitting secrets to the Soviet Union and Russia and passing classified documents to agents of the KGB.

Robert got away with being a double agent spy for all those years as a result of extraordinary caution and his knowledge of FBI intelligence procedures. Supposedly, his Russian benefactors didn't even know his identity. They corresponded through a series of garbage bags and envelopes left at public parks and bridges. They'd signal each other with white tape on stop signs and classified ads, in escapades that sound like they were cooked up by Boris Badenov and Natasha. (Personal note: I could never understand why a sultry fox like Natasha would ever get mixed up with an evil little commie bastard like Boris. Must have been something in the vodka.)

Know what the sentence is for that kind of crime? Death. Death! These days you have to be Timothy McVeigh (or a black guy in Texas) to get the death penalty, but Robert's now looking lethal injection directly in the face.

With those kind of stakes, you'd have to assume Robert got handsomely rewarded by the Russians, right? Turns out those commies are not only devious, they're cheap, too. Robert only got about $1.4 million in cash and diamonds (hope he knows the four C's of diamond shopping), $800,000 of which was being held for him in an Russian bank account for his eventual "retirement". So Robert only got his hands on $600,000 for 15 years of work. That's $40,000 a year. Chump change. I might risk a slap on the wrist (or a public spanking!) for that kind of money, but getting fried by the government goes way over the line for a guy of my modest tastes.

So why did Robert turn traitor, if not for money? Because he thought he could get away with it. Those "smarter than the average bear" guys always think they can get away with it. That's motivation enough for those intellectually superior types.

His co-workers at the FBI describe Robert as very bright but also aloof, unfriendly, dour, colorless, and socially awkward. As a result of his demeanor and the black suits he always wore, behind his back they called him "Dr. Death" and "Morticia". (Another personal note: Unlike Natasha, Morticia Addams demonstrated excellent taste in men. Nobody had better moves than Gomez Addams when he'd start kissing Morticia's hand, then move up her arm while chanting "Oh mon cherie" from that devilish, leering mouth. Try that sometime on your own Morticia and see what kind of reaction you get.)

Of course, Robert's kissing days are over, unless you count kissing the butts of prison guards and his future roommates. Not even Moose and Squirrel can save him now.