John Montgomery Presents This Week's	January 20, 2001	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Bill Clinton
	Illustration by Katie Miranda at The Optic Nerve
	Farewell to Peace, Prosperity and Blow Jobs

It's been a pretty busy week for Creeps who've spent large quantities of time in this web site's spotlight. Rae Carruth, the big ugly dumb jock who had his pregnant girlfriend whacked, escaped the death penalty but is still looking at 20 years in the can. Speaking of cans, Linda Tripp, whose Judas-like behavior made her the most despised woman in America, finally got her lard-stuffed ass fired. Speaking of asses, Jesse Jackson, whose non-stop mouth spewed forth a lot of obnoxious blather over the years, performed a permanent disappearing act brought about by the spewing of his non-stop little willie.

And speaking of Willies, the big one, Bill Clinton, pulled off a disappearing act of his own, providing enough ammunition for both his supporters and enemies to stay pissed off at each other for the next eight years. He's gone but won't be forgotten anytime soon. The economy is in better shape than it's been in a generation, we're not at war with anyone, and Bill's approval ratings are in the high 60's, higher than Reagan or Bush Senior when they left office. Many Republicans have thrown out their backs with contortionist theories about how Bill had absolutely nothing to do with the economic prosperity, but you know where these same boring bozos would be pointing their sticky fingers if the situation were different.

With a record like that, Bill oughta go down in the history books as one of the greatest presidents of all time, right? He might have, had it not been for the infamous stained blue dress. Follow along in your Creep of the Week guide as we follow the ups and downs of this skanky story:

• January, 1998 - Monica hits the front pages and stays for a year. Bill denies everything. Ken Starr catches a whiff of sex and gets a hard on.
• February, 1998 - Bill's popularity hits record highs. The Clinton Haters start foaming at the mouth.
• March, 1998 - Kathleen Willey claims Bill groped her.
• April, 1998 - Paula Jones gets thrown out of court.
• May, 1998 - Dan Burton shows us what a scumbag really is.
• August, 1998 - Linda Tripp makes a speech. The country pukes. Bill fesses up on prime time TV. The country snorts.
• September, 1998 - Ken, the nation's pornographer, publishes his report. The country smells horseshit.
• November, 1998 - Congress gets into the act. Those who didn't think it could get any worse find out how naive they were.
• December, 1998 - Bill gets impeached by the House. Tom Delay and Bob Barr become superstars.
• February, 1999 - Bill gets acquitted by the Senate.

Easy. Every time some new story surfaced and Bill's immediate future looked to be swirling down a smelly toilet, his accusers came off looking scarier, slimier and stupider than he did. After getting a good look at Starr, Gingrich, Hyde, Livingston, Barr, Burton, Delay, and especially Tripp, the American people, who aren't nearly as dumb as Bill's enemies thought they were, had a choice to make. Oval office blow jobs vs. repulsive, repugnant, reprehensible retards. They chose blow jobs by about 70%.

There are legitimate reasons to dislike Bill Clinton. Any veteran of the armed forces has a built-in excuse. Someone who is truly morally offended by Bill's extra-marital sexual shenanigans has good cause, also. But your average Clinton Hater is a sexually frustrated wanker who hates him for the same reason we all hated the captain of the football team in high school. Jealousy. The fact that Bill Clinton was scoring with the public and the young interns at the same time drove these limp-dicked losers into rages of envy. It was all about sex.

He beat 'em not only on Monica, but in two elections, the government shutdown saga, countless budget battles and the war in the Balkans. He beat 'em and made 'em look bad in the process. Attacking Bill is like hitting a punching bag. Don't get too close or he'll come back and break your nose. Then he'll grin and taunt you with, "Can't you hit any harder than that, you pansy?"

All that and Bill still tops the "Most Admired Man in the World" poll, tied with the pope. If it hadn't been for the dress, who knows how far Bill could have gone. It's a shame for his foes and fans alike. If the pope wants to win the next poll, he ought to acquire some enemies of the same caliber as Bill's.