John Montgomery Presents This Week's	December 23, 2000   CREEP 2K!  Coming Next Week:  The 2000 Creep of the Year!	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Christmas Wish List
	Ho Ho Holy Creep Holidays!

Dear Santa,

Damn! Am I glad to see your round red bottom! Do you get CNN up there in the North Pole? Do you have any idea what a bad year we had? In 2000, the Creeps were out in droves creating havoc wherever they drew their sorry breaths. The Political Creeps, the Murdering Creeps and the Generally Obnoxious Creeps made life miserable for the rest of us on a daily basis. Maybe you could make 2001 a little better with some creative gift giving. I don't want anything for myself, of course, but a few of the more infamous Creeps would surely benefit from my suggestions below. See what you can do. But please don't eliminate Creeps entirely. I'd hate to have to start writing about something boring like the Good Guy of the Week.

• Give George W Bush a set of balls (preferably of the big brass variety) so he'll be able to stand up to (and get snippy with) the lunatic fringe of his own party to whom he sold his soul during the campaign. Balls would help George make up for his lack of brains which you never did bring for the poor guy.

• Give Al Gore something to do that will keep him away from the TV cameras for a couple of years. Seeing him just reminds us what a horror show the presidential election was. How about a job as Kathie Lee Gifford's assistant in charge of announcing her future successful career accomplishments? That would guarantee we'd never see him again.

• Give the Hillary Haters a tour (on Firestone tires) around the country to visit some of their fellow religious right superstars. Send their teenage daughters to party with Mark Chmura. Put their younger daughters under the care of Earl Kimmerling. Have their sons take a walk in the park with Matthew Glavin. After that, if there's anyone left unscathed (and unpoked), send them to a seminar on how to permanently destroy a political party taught by Professor Pat Buchanan.

• Speaking of Ho Ho Ho, keep Paula Jones well supplied with plastic surgeons and Penthouse photographers. She's finally making a positive contribution to society.

• Bring Marisleysis Gonzalez and the rest of her emotionally disturbed family a leaky inner tube raft and a one way ticket to Cuba. That'll bring Elian back to the United States real quick.

• The latest word on John and Pasty Ramsey is that they've been experimenting with stun guns, using them on pigs in an attempt to prove that their daughter JonBenet was killed that way. Bring the Rammers a mirror to help them realize they could eliminate those exorbitant pig rental fees.

• Wondering what to bring Augusto Pinochet in Chile? How about some chili? The hot kind. The stomach-wrenching, bowel-busting, stool-stewing stuff that'll keep him confined to the bathroom for years to come. PS - Take the toilet paper with you when you leave.

• Do you ever have to take a break on your deliveries to give the reindeers a pit stop? Have them do it in Mark David Chapman's jail cell. Feed them the really foul oats first. Mix it in with the leftover Pinochet chili.

• And in case there's any of those Y2K Wildmen still hiding out in the woods playing survivalist games, pass along a message to them: The computers are still screwed up! Stay where you are until we tell you it's safe to come out!