John Montgomery Presents This Week's	December 16, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	The Losers of Campaign 2000
	Snippy Goes to Washington

As Bob Dole would say, it looks like we got us a "presnint". The fat lady didn't exactly sing. It was more like one of those loud, wet belching sounds she makes after chugging a pint of Heineken's. The kind you have to clean up afterwards. With a bucket.

This last month wasn't pleasant. In fact, it sucked. Big time, as the boys on the new leadership team like to say. But before we move on, let's take a moment to honor those who have been forced to find a home in Loser Land as a result of Campaign 2000. With all the brouhaha of the last few weeks, some of these losers haven't received the recognition they deserve. But we can fix that:

• Pat Buchanan finally got his chance to appear on a presidential ballot and ended up single-handedly destroying the Reform Party. Pat got about 445,000 votes, (that's zero percent), and a few thousand of those came from dimwitted butterfly ballot voters in Florida who thought they were voting for Al Gore. The Reform Party will no longer get federal matching campaign funds because Pat failed to get five percent of the vote. That's their just reward for nominating such a small minded bigot. Evidently the message of racial hatred doesn't sell so well these days. It would be nice if Pat would do us all a big favor by disappearing into some dark cave and rotting away, but he'll probably wind up joining the rest of his brethren on Fox News Channel.

• The Pollsters proved what everyone has suspected all along: They have no more idea what they're talking about than those bearded lunatics who hang out downtown screaming about the end of the world. Not one of the pollsters predicted that Al Gore would win the popular vote. They all had Bush three to five points ahead. The pollsters who are affiliated with a particular campaign or party have always been four-legged, tail-wagging, crotch-sniffing, mongrel-dog whores who don't possess even a shred of integrity. But now it appears that the so-called "independent" pollsters aren't any smarter.

• Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris could have worked this thing to her advantage. Had she played it cool and shown some flexibility, the courts would still have ruled in Bush's favor and Katherine would be on her way to an ambassadorship on some sunny resort island for the next four years. Instead, her Sieg-Hiel-style tactics brought her ridicule as a Mary Kay Cosmetics School dropout and a one way trip to political oblivion. George isn't about to embarrass himself by setting her up for any job that requires Senate approval.

• Senator John Ashcroft of Missouri lost his re-election bid to a dead man, Governor Mel Carnahan, who died in a plane crash three weeks before the election. John has been making the rounds of talk shows, patting himself on the back and holding himself up as an example of someone who was man enough to accept the results of an election (in contrast to the evil Al Gore, of course). To use an old Missouri expression, "Show me the balderdash". Losing an election to a dead man brings on a case of Seriously Bad Mojo and John knows it. Not only didn't he contest the voting results, now he won't leave the house without a crucifix and a garlic necklace.

• The fight between Hillary and the Hillary Haters wasn't even close. Hillary ground her high heel spikes deep into the Haters' tiny testicles and made them yelp. "That's how to win a campaign, boys!", she cooed over her shoulder as she headed for the Senate. The Hillary Haters are still filling the editorial pages of my local paper with their incredulous pain, but their numbers are dwindling each day. Presumably (and hopefully), they're all snug in their beds, quietly choking to death on their own bile.

• The Republican Banshees showed a lot of class this week. There they were, in front of the Vice Presidential residence in Washington, wearing their Sore-Loserman shirts, screaming that Al should "Get out of Dick Cheney's House." None of these morons have given a thought to what George is actually going to do once he becomes president. The first time he cooperates with a Democrat or ignores one of the religious right's dogmatic commandments or forgets to pay homage to those screeching AM radio manure mongers, they'll be clamoring for his ass like starving cannibals. Now that they control all three branches of the federal government, who are they going to blame when they don't get their way? Besides Hillary, I mean. Maybe a more accurate description than "banshees" would be "sheep". Sheep don't lead, they follow. And these Republican sheep may suffer the same fate as any sheep who is watched over by a lonely, depraved shepherd.

• And of course, in the history of presidential elections, there has never been a loser like Al Gore. He came as close as you could possibly get. Al has been running for president since he was 12 years old. It's been his reason for existence. In addition to losing the election, he's been branded as an unpatriotic, spoiled brat because he wanted all the votes counted, even though we all know George and his henchmen would have done exactly the same thing had the situation been reversed. There's some talk about Al running again in 2004, but it doesn't look good. Already, his fellow Democrats have been pointing out what a lousy campaign he ran and why the hell didn't he win his home state which would have won him the election and then we could have sawed Florida right off the rest of the country and nobody would have cared.