John Montgomery Presents This Week's	November 25, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Marcus Henderson
	Gimme The Money Or Granny Gets It!

While those Republican banshees have been rioting in the streets, running like lemmings to federal court and giving Dick Cheney a heart attack, it's been business as usual around the rest of the country. While you've been distracted by the Great Florida Pissing Contest of 2000, America's impressionable youth has been picking up a few hints on how to get what you want out of life.

Meet Marcus Henderson, 22, of Chicago, who's proven he has what it takes to run for president someday: Ruthless determination to complete the task at hand, no matter what rules he has to break or who he has to hurt. You think Al Gore would kill his grandmother to become president? Marcus would. His goal this week was a bit more mundane than stealing votes. All he wanted to steal was money. But not some stranger's money. He had his beady, greedy little eyes on the loot of his grandmother, Minnie Johnson.

Marcus put a nylon stocking over his head, went over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house, and forced her into a car at gunpoint. We don't know whether it was her car but it was her gun. And it was definitely her money he was after as he drove over to Minnie's ATM and had her withdraw money. Marcus, showing as much intelligence as a Gore voter impregnating a chad, didn't realize that the ATM cameras videotaped the whole caper. There was also a witness who saw the car and called the police with the plate number.

Soon, the cops showed up at Marcus' place ready to take him downtown. Do you think he figured he was going to be in enough trouble at the next family reunion and that maybe he should just "concede"? Ha! You probably believe in the Tooth Fairy and the Electoral College, too, don't you? No, Marcus starting shooting at the cops using Granny as a shield. That's a lot like George Bush hiding from the press behind Karen Hughes.

A Chicago-style shoot-out ensued, wounding one of the cops and poor old Granny. Minnie got shot four times and is now in "stable" condition. As stable as a Palm Beach County recount room. Her unstable grandson is facing charges of attempted murder, armed robbery, aggravated battery with a firearm, and aggravated kidnapping. You can bet Granny is pretty aggravated, too.

So where does a little old grandma go to feel safe and loved these days? Her grandson's house? The local election board? A butterfly ballot voting booth? Makes me nostalgic for the good old days when the only thing senior citizens had to worry about was how to pay for their prescription drugs.