John Montgomery Presents This Week's	October 28, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Paula Jones
	Trailer Trash Cash Bash

Remember that good, decent, Christian, family values girl from Arkansas who was so brutally victimized by the Gubernatorial Gonads? All she wanted was an apology so she could forget that devastating event and get back to the quiet life with her mama and kids. There she could return to the simpler pursuits of Bible study and Sunday school, leaving behind forever her time in the limelight that she never sought in the first place.

When we last visited Paula Jones, back in April 1998, her lawsuit against Bill Clinton had just been thrown out of court. It was clear at the time to most people (but probably not to her) that Paula's days as a high-priced whore for the conservative political cause were over. All prostitutes eventually reach that point in life when their clients have had their fill and don't want any more. The johns take off for greener pastures, leaving the used-up prostitute to fend for herself. Good-bye California bright lights, network TV interviews and Heritage Foundation paychecks. Hello trailer park.

Paula took her $870,000 settlement, paid off the lawyers, got a divorce and moved back to Arkansas. Things had been pretty quiet when what to our wondering eyes did appear as we leafed through this month's Penthouse magazine? A familiar face. Sure, the nose was smaller and the teeth were straighter, but those cheap hooker eyes were the same as ever. And it wasn't just the face, of course. Bill can finally see what he missed out on. All of it.

You may be used to seeing stuff like that but I was offended to my core! How could such a moral icon do a "spread" in Penthouse? When the rumors came out a few months ago that something like this was about to happen, didn't Paula assure us that she'd "never ... never" do anything so sleazy?

As she explained in that high pitched twang that sounds like Ross Perot on helium, "I meant it at the time, but I changed my mind. Any woman, anybody in the world, has a right to change her mind, and I meant it then." Fair enough, Paula, but why? "I thought it was the best thing to do for me and my children. Of course the money had something to do with it." The Ho factor.

But what happened to all your friends, Paula? Where are all the lawyers and supporters? What do you hear from your pimp John Whitehead and your madam Susan Carpenter McMillan?  "Now, nobody's around. Everybody's gone. Nobody talks to me. They're gone now."

And now that they're gone, Paula's beginning to realize one of the harsh realities of a prostitute's life: All those rich and powerful clients didn't have her best interests at heart. "I was being used by a lot of people to get to [Clinton]. It's a shame too, when you get in these kinds of political battles, a lot of people want to start showing up that you don't really want to have anything to do with." George W Bush is probably thinking the same thing right now.

Now that Paula finally understands what her niche in life actually is (and always has been), it's fair to say that the Penthouse pictures deserve a rating of "Not Too Bad". I hope she milks it for all she can get. As a wise sage (I think it was me) once said: Paula will be back on her feet again someday, but she'll always be a bit bowlegged.