John Montgomery Presents This Week's	October 21, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Creep Voter's Guide
	It's Pinocchio By A Nose

The presidential debates are over and we didn't see any blood. I was hoping for a knockout punch that would toss one of these guys clear out of the ring where he'd land on his sorry ass and not get up. He'd only be able to sputter out through broken teeth, "That's it! I'm a loser! This race sucks and I quit!" Then we could all enjoy the Subway Series in peace without having to worry about this Big Decision we need to make soon.

But it was not to be. The campaign is now tighter than Dr. Laura's clenched teeth when someone asks about those naked pictures of her on the web. The pundits and spinmeisters all bombard us with propaganda and advice, but the only heartfelt emotion we've heard is reserved for tales of how evil the opposition is. They don't seem to know much about their own guy, but if the other guy gets elected, he'll be responsible for the immediate destruction of our (pick one or more) economy, military, moral values, second amendment rights, reproductive rights and Lincoln Bedroom overnights. It's Pinocchio vs. Dumbo and may the best Disney cartoon character carry the day.

But where does one go for objective analysis of the vital factors involved in making this tough choice? I'm glad you asked, because you've come to the right place. As a public service, The Creep of the Week site is once again displaying the formidable insight and dispassionate scrutiny you've come to expect. Herewith are the important items to think about before you enter the voting booth. There are ten points possible in each category which are divided as appropriate among the two candidates.
 

Biggest Personal Failing

• George Bush is in over his head. Let's face it, the man is an idiot. He can't explain his own programs, much less anyone else's. He can't put a comprehensible sentence together. He's got no business running for president.

George has a lifetime record of letting other people bail him out when he gets himself in trouble. The most telling moment of the debates occurred when he was asked about affirmative action and said that he believed in "affirmative access" instead. Al walked over to him and responded, "What in the hell is affirmative access, Dumbo? Do you believe in affirmative action as defined by the Supreme Court or not?"  Since George had no idea what Al was talking about, this presidential pretender suddenly became the wounded school boy, frantically waving his hand to get the teacher's attention: "Mr. Lehrer, Mr. Lehrer, Al's breaking the rules!" Who's he going to cry to when Vladimir Putin breaks the rules?

Here's something I learned in the debates that I didn't realize before. Not only is George hopelessly intellectually inferior, he knows it, too. His body language of smirks, double takes and slumping shoulders was that of the wiseguy schoolyard bully who acts tough until someone challenges him. When Al invaded his space and started asking questions, George froze and went into a deer-in-the-headlights panic attack. Even his mother got scared, saying she thought Al was going to punch her little boy.

• Al Gore is obnoxious. The sighs. The rolling of the eyes. That condescending, you're-a-moron-so-listen-to-me tone that reminds you of the kid in school who everyone called a genius but didn't have any friends because he picked his nose all day.

And he compounds that obnoxious image with the incessant exaggerating. You've heard the litany of them. Each one by itself isn't too bad, but together they say, "Not only am I better than you, but I think I can make you think I'm even better than I really am, and plus that, I don't think you're smart enough to catch me at it."

One can only imagine how Al's hijinks would go over at the Mideast peace table. He'd tell Israel that his vice president is Jewish and so is his mother-in-law. Yeah, you know, the mother-in-law who can't afford drugs because the dog ate them. And Mr. Arafat? That same mother-in-law wears a towel on her head just like yours when she gets out of the shower.

• Rating: I wouldn't want either of these chumps anywhere near my sister, but when it comes to choosing which finger is going to be on the Button, I'll take the one that's been in a nose before the one that's been scratching a head. Every time.

3 points for George
7 points for Al

Worst Pandering Incident

• George sealed his nomination by sealing his lips to the butts of Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell in order to win the South Carolina primary. Having the good Reverends spewing their moral fraud around within earshot of the Oval Office is pretty scary.

• Al groveled at the feet of Florida's Hispanic community during the Elian Gonzalez spectacle. Elian is gone, but Al's nose is still stinkin'.

• Rating:

4 points for George
6 points for Al

Wife

• Laura Bush is the typical Republican wife. She looks pretty and says nothing of consequence.

• Tipper Gore is the typical Democrat wife. She looks pretty but has an "issue". Hers was censorship of rock lyrics. It made her famous before anyone had ever heard of Al.

• Rating:

7 points for George
3 points for Al

Kids

• Al has a son with a lead foot and three very pretty daughters.

• George has only two daughters, but they're twins. Twins! Ooh, baby baby!

• Rating:

8 points for George
2 points for Al

Vice President

• Dick Cheney is an unsmiling, uncharitable slug with a Neanderthal voting record who's been bought and paid for many times over by big oil.

• Joe Lieberman is a pompous, moralizing fart who pals around with William Bennett. But at least he looks like he's enjoying himself while he's at it.

• Rating:

2 points for George
8 points for Al

Drug Usage

• George - Cocaine in Mexico.

• Al - Marijuana in Vietnam.

• Rating:

6 points for George
4 points for Al

Late Night TV Show Performances

• Neither of these guys better quit his day job. Did you ever think you'd miss Bill Clinton playing the sax?

• Rating:

0 points for George
0 points for Al

By my fuzzy math, that's 30 points apiece. Still pretty close. We need a tiebreaker. How about this? Of all the charges, accusations, insults and general stupidity that's been thrown around during this campaign, George's pals came up with the most bizarre one this week: Al's dick is too big on the current cover of Rolling Stone. They think Al's dick is too big! So now it's either a big dick or a small mind. I'm voting for the big dick.