John Montgomery Presents This Week's	October 14, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Michelle Bica
	On The Cutting Edge of Motherhood

I get pretty jaded writing about Creeps. These days, when I hear about yet another politician selling his soul, or one more sex cop getting caught with his pants down, or a new mental midget inside a school shooting kids, I yawn and say, "Yeah, yeah, tell me something I don't know."

But every once in a great while, I hear about someone doing something that makes me sit up in shock with my eyes bulging, my flesh crawling and my balls shrinking. I run out in the street and cry out loud, "Jesus Christ! What in the hell is going on around here? Has everything gone completely crazy? What two barnyard animals humped each other to produce this despicable, sorry excuse for a human being?"

Thus was my reaction to the story of Michelle Bica. In fact, I had to wait a week before I calmed down enough (and all my body parts got back to normal) to write about it. Now I feel ready, and it gives me an excuse to ignore the current Mideast situation which I really don't want to write about.

Michelle, 39, of Ravenna, Ohio, wanted to have a baby. Like most couples who long to hear the pitter-patter of little feet around the house, she and her husband Tom started with The Traditional Method: You throw away the birth control, lock the doors and start rockin'! The Traditional Method is cheap, fun and socially acceptable. The only trouble is, for some people, it just doesn't work. Michelle and Tom seem to have been one such couple.

There are alternatives, however. Adoption, artificial insemination, foster children, and the new method which became popular and effective in the 1990s: Checking the local dumpsters and restrooms at senior prom time.

We don't know whether Michelle investigated any of those alternatives. She devised her own method for having a baby. About eight or nine months ago, she began telling her neighbors, relatives and even her poor unsuspecting husband that she was pregnant. As the months went by, she kept up the charade. How could she get away with that? Let's just say that Michelle was corpulent. Heavyset. Chubby. Hefty. A bit large for her height. A big mama. That seemed to satisfy everyone. You might wonder why her husband Tom didn't think to check things out for himself with a touch or even a little peek. After all, he had been participating in the Traditional Method with her. Alas, through the standard brand of spousal inattention, Tom was as fooled as everyone else.

Obviously, this couldn't go on forever. Eventually, Michelle was either going to have to come clean or come up with a baby from somewhere. A chance meeting at Wal-Mart provided Michelle with an end game. She and Tom ran into Theresa and Jon Andrews in the maternity section. Theresa was pregnant (for real) and the two couples found out that they lived within a few blocks of each other. A few weeks later, Michelle lured Theresa into her house through means of a cell phone call inquiring about a Jeep the Andrews' had for sale. Once there, Michelle promptly shot and killed Theresa.

You squeamish guys may want to skip the rest of this and get back to your Teenage Russian Girls Chat Room. Michelle then cut open Theresa's womb with a knife, removed the live baby boy, and dragged the dead woman out to the garage where she buried her in a shallow grave under some gravel. She wrapped the baby in a blanket and declared herself a mother. She told Tom that she had given birth in an ambulance while he was at work, and he, reacting with his usual lack of curiosity, bought the story.

Meanwhile, the cops went out looking for Theresa who had been reported missing by her husband. Had it been Michelle who was missing, you wonder if Tom would have even noticed. Anyway, after five days, they traced the cell phone call Michelle made and went over to question her about it. She saw them pulling up in the driveway and finally put her killer instinct to some good use by killing herself with the same gun she used to kill Theresa.

The baby, named Oscar, is OK and back with his real father. Of course, Oscar is lacking both his real and fake mothers. Tom, the fake father, was questioned and released by the cops after they realized that he's genuinely unobservant and stupid. He's probably wishing that he'd paid more attention back when he and Michelle were trying the Traditional Method.