John Montgomery Presents This Week's	September 23, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Robert Ray and Ken Starr
	The Fifty-Two Million Dollar Blow Job

Six years. $52 million. Three independent counsels. Whitewater. Travelgate. Filegate. Vince Fostergate. Monicagate. Media frenzy. The vast right wing conspiracy. Impeachment by the House. Acquittal by the Senate. What did we get out of all that time, money and anxiety? What dangerous criminal acts did they reveal? What sort of dastardly deeds by high elected officials did they expose to a public which had been so badly damaged by such devastating corruption?

Bill Clinton lied about a blow job.

You pay your $52 million, you get your blow job, folks. You decide who got screwed.

This week, Robert Ray, the independent counsel who replaced Ken Starr, the independent counsel who replaced Robert Fiske, released the long awaited culmination of all that blood, sweat and tears. What did they find out about Whitewater, the failed Arkansas land deal that happened fifteen years before Bill became president? "The evidence was insufficient to prove to a jury beyond a reasonable doubt that either President or Mrs. Clinton knowingly participated in any criminal conduct." In our legal system, there's a word for that. It's called innocent. It's also called nothing, zero, zilch, nada, naught, and Not A God Damn Thing. Fourteen people were convicted during the investigation, half of them for misdemeanors. But what did they nail Bill with?

Lying about a blow job.

They investigated Vince Foster's death twice and came up with the same conclusion both times: suicide. Filegate produced "no credible evidence" of criminal activity. Travelgate?  Evidence insufficient to prove to a jury beyond a reasonable doubt. Sounds familiar. Of course, they didn't come up completely empty.

Bill Clinton lied about a blow job.

Ken's lasting legacy will be his pornographic report to Congress on the Monica Lewinsky saga that contained a blow job by blow job description of every cum stain and cigar trick in the Oval Office. But if you don't have the time or stomach to read all that and you want a quick summary of the methods used by his ruthless jihad, have a look at the picture above. That's Susan McDougal, one of the Whitewater partners, who Ken threw in jail for 18 months because she refused to tell him what he wanted to hear about Bill and Hillary. She was a hot babe when she went in, but when she was finally released by a judge for health reasons, she was a broken down, indigent widow with a bad back. Ken must have been cackling hysterically at the site of Susan in shackles. He undoubtedly spent plenty of nights staring at that picture, schlapping his schlong long enough to develop biceps like a Bulgarian Olympic weightlifter.

But hey, duty calls. After all, Bill Clinton lied about a blow job.

And if you're one of those "Waco / Ruby Ridge / Black Helicopter / Get the Evil Government off the Backs of the Common Working Man" types, why the hell aren't you outraged about this intrusive, uncontrolled abuse of innocent people by disgusting parasites who get paid with your own hard-earned tax money? Remember when they hauled Monica's mother, kicking and screaming, in front of the grand jury? Didn't that scare the living crap out of you and fill you with angry bile?

Oh. It was all OK with you because Bill Clinton lied about a blow job.

Now that we've established that anything any president has ever done, before or during his presidency, is fair game for an unlimited microscopic proctology exam, let's set our expectations for next year.

If George W Bush is president, we'll have to have a thorough investigation of his coke-sniffing, hooch-swilling, whore-chasing, bitch-slapping days in Mexico when he was AWOL from the National Guard.

If Al Gore is president, it will be time, once and for all, to get the real facts about the crucial questions of our times: Who really invented the Internet, who was really the inspiration for "Love Story", and what do Al's mother-in-law and dog really have in common?

Things sure were going along nicely in this country until Bill Clinton lied about a blow job.