John Montgomery Presents This Week's	September 9, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	'Major League Asshole' Creeps
	Campaign 2000 Goes To The Majors

Finally, this dreary presidential campaign has a real issue! To hell with all that complicated crap like Social Security, Medicare, children's health, HMOs, tax cuts, abortion and campaign finance reform. Here's something simple that any asshole can understand.

As you have undoubtedly seen and heard multiple times this week, at a Labor Day campaign rally in Naperville, Illinois, George W Bush leaned over to his running mate Dick Cheney, pointed out a nearby reporter and said, "There's Adam Clymer, MAJOR LEAGUE ASSHOLE from The New York Times." Dick, showing that he is prime vice presidential material, promptly began wagging his head and yammering, "Yessiree, that's right, boss, whatever you say! You sure know how to pick 'em!"

Unbeknownst to George and Dick, a nearby mike was live and recording, capturing their profound words for posterity. The media had a field day. The Democrats tut-tutted and made snide comments about how George is cracking under pressure. The Republicans tried to justify the remark, saying Adam had written some unfair articles about their man. The New York Times retorted, "Don't be calling our guy an A------!" George offered no apologies. His only regret was "that the private comments made it to the public airwaves."

Actually, I've always liked the word ASSHOLE. It's descriptive and to the point. Everyone knows what it means. I use it frequently in these pages. After all, ASSHOLES are everywhere. You can't walk down the street without tripping over dozens of them. I used to have a dyslexic girlfriend who was always calling me a HOLEASS.

And evidently Adam isn't just an ordinary ASSHOLE. He's a MAJOR LEAGUE ASSHOLE. That's quite a bit more serious than being a MINOR LEAGUE ASSHOLE. In those cases, I suppose you have to distinguish between TRIPLE-A LEAGUE ASSHOLES and DOUBLE-A LEAGUE ASSHOLES. It hardly seems worth the effort to call someone a SINGLE-A LEAGUE ASSHOLE. Not when there's so many MAJOR LEAGUE ASSHOLES around. Maybe the most appropriate category would be a BUSH LEAGUE ASSHOLE.

Of course, not everyone's talking about the MAJOR LEAGUE ASSHOLE. We haven't heard from some of the Bush fans who are supporting him because he'll restore honor and dignity to the White House. What do you suppose George would have had to say to offend Pat Robertson? What if he called Adam a GOD DAMNED IDIOT or said that he SUCKS DONKEY DICKS? Would that get a rise out of Pat? What would cause Mr. Death of Outrage William Bennett to become outraged? What if George accused Adam of being an ASS-RAMMING FUDGE PACKER? That would certainly get Jerry Falwell off his ASSHOLE.

As long as George was out to offend someone, why not call the guy a LARD-ASSED, BALD-HEADED WANKER? That would certainly piss off Overeaters Anonymous and the Hair Club For Men. As far as I know, wankers don't yet have their own advocacy group.

If George really wanted to go out on a limb, he could use the old Hillary Clinton line, FUCKING JEW BASTARD. I don't know if Adam is a Jew or a bastard, but what difference does it make? I don't know if he's an ASSHOLE, either!

Before we let the matter drop, it's only fair to point out that it was pretty stupid of George to get caught by the old hidden mike trick. This is a guy who's been struggling to shake his well deserved lightweight, fraternity kegger image. This is also a guy to whom the fat boys of the Republican party have given one hundred million dollars. Count the zeroes: $100,000,000. What did they get for all those zeros? A BIG ZERO. Dan Quayle in cowboy boots.

Since the candidates are having so much trouble agreeing on the right format for debates this fall, I'll offer a modest proposal: To maintain the current level of interest in this kind of political bantering, we'll arrange a "Sticks and Stones" session where the winner is the guy who shows the best command of the English language in name calling. Now, for the candidates' opening statements:

• George: Al, you KNUCKLE-DRAGGING SHITHEAD!
• Al: George, you IGNORANT COKE-FILLED SLUT!