John Montgomery Presents This Week's	August 19, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Democrat Convention Creeps
	Joe Gets a Blast of Rectitude

Two weeks ago it was the Republicans acting like Democrats, with a center stage that looked like a Harlem gay bar on Ricky Martin night. So what do we get when the real Democrats have their convention? Big surprise! Republicans! Pious, celibate, holier-than-thou Republican look-alikes, none of whom have ever, ever placed their gonads within five miles of any unauthorized location. Unlike you-know-who.

"Moral rectitude" was a phrase we heard a lot from the Democrats this week. The word "rectitude" comes from the latin "rectum", which is where people like that insert their broomsticks before they go out pontificating.

The new Democratic poster boy for rectitude is the party's choice for vice president, Joe Lieberman. Forget the Jewish stuff, this guy is a moralizing, stuffy prick! Not only did he chastise Bill Clinton in the now-famous tirade on the Senate floor, Joe's also been cavorting with one of the most pompous assholes in the entire nation, self-appointed Virtues Czar William Bennett. Joe and William team up to present something they call the "Silver Sewer Award" for "crude, rude and lewd material in prime time.'' I would love to win that award. Pick me, guys, I'd consider it a badge of honor. Does anyone know how I can apply?

Not content just to parade Joe around, the Democrats actively searched for one of their own they could use as an example of their newly found morality. The poor victim of the Democrat Decency Police was Loretta Sanchez, a congresswoman from California, who was crude, rude and lewd enough to schedule a fundraiser at the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles during the convention. Loretta is an Hispanic superstar in the party, having kicked the obnoxious, Nazi ass of Robert Dornan out of Congress in 1996. You'd think she'd get some respect from her fellow party members, but no. Not in the Year of Moral Rectitude. The party honchos threatened to cancel Loretta's convention speech and revoke her party post if she didn't hold the fundraiser somewhere else. She changed the location of the event, but told them to stuff their speaking invitation, saying that as an Hispanic representative, she would have received a much warmer reception at the Republican convention.

The only people acting like Democrats were the protesters outside the convention hall. They started an old fashioned confrontation with police by throwing concrete and steel balls at them. The cops responded with riot gear, pepper spray, rubber bullets and even a charge on horseback. What were the protesters protesting? Mumia Abu-Jamal, Occidental Petroleum, Navy bombing exercises on the Puerto Rican island of Vieques, Tipper Gore's Parents Music Resource Center, and (eventually) police brutality. The one thing they weren't protesting was Clinton's cock, which all the delegates at both conventions were making the big issue of the campaign.

Speaking of issues, that's what Al Gore says he'll be concentrating on from now until the election. He admits he's not an electrifying personality, so he expects to win on the issues. Unfortunately for Al, when people vote for president, they don't think about issues, they think about which guy they'd prefer to have at their backyard barbecue. Unfortunately for me, I didn't see anyone at either convention I'd let anywhere near my backyard.

Except for William Bennett. He'd look good on a spit with an apple in his mouth.