John Montgomery Presents This Week's	August 12, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Pat Buchanan
	No More Parties For Pat

If you think you're pissed off and disgusted with the presidential candidates we have to choose from this year, how do you think Pat Buchanan feels? The Republican party, of which he was once a proud member, allowed a gay congressman to address its convention last week. Pat now says they are advancing a "gay rights agenda." But none of those craven Democrats better come around looking for any kind words from Pat either. They're even worse. They nominated a Jew for vice president. A Jew, for Christ Sakes! There's nothing in Pat's narrow mind he hates more than a money-loving, influence-peddling, bagel-eating, yarmulke-toting, Israeli-occupied Jew.

Last year, Pat saw a chance to get his revenge on those deviates in the two major parties. He jumped ship to join the Reform party, founded by Ross Perot and made glamorous by Jesse Ventura. With the encouragement of some of Ross's boys, Pat figured he could clinch the Reform presidential nomination quickly, grab the $12.5 million in federal campaign funds that Ross earned for running four years ago, and storm into the debates. Once there he'd proceed to kick Al and George's pathetic asses so badly, the country would cancel the election and anoint Pat the Great White Heterosexual Christian Savior immediately.

But as George Bush Senior used to say, "Not gonna do it!"

The Perot bunch evidently woke up one day and discovered that Pat hadn't dropped his draconian views on abortion, civil rights and immigration, just because they wanted him to. Pat continued preaching his standard sermon of hellfire and damnation, as he has for years. The other Reformers, sensing their party was about to be flushed down a right-wing toilet, pulled an insurrection and supported as their presidential nominee John Hagelin, a nuclear physicist from Maharishi University whose platform promotes "harnessing the body's natural healing mechanisms" as a cure for all ills.

Pat's natural healing mechanisms include kicking the scrawny butt of anyone who gets in his way, so when he pulled into town for the Reform convention this week, all hell broke loose between the two factions. The Hagelin clan disqualified Pat from the nomination, charging he had broken party rules in the primary. Bay Buchanan, Pat's boisterous, bitchy (and somewhat butch) sister Bay retorted, "Ideally, I would have hoped these people would have heard the fat lady singing and they would have realized the defeat for what it is." You can imagine what kind of convention it was if Linda Tripp was singing.

That round of screaming set off another one the next day. "The Reform Party is being ... taken over by the Buchanan brownshirts," shouted National Secretary Jim Manjia. I've heard of brown-nosers and brown-striped underwear, but what the hell are brownshirts?

Pat then introduced his vice-presidential running mate: some old black lady whose name I don't remember. I could look it up and publish it here, but I don't want to embarrass her any more than she already must be.

From there, things really degenerated. Both sides are suing the other, which will keep the $12.5 million bottled up in court fights for months. Pat gave one of his traditional, moralizing acceptance speeches, with his patented description of America: "Rampant homosexuality, a sign of cultural decadence and moral decline from Rome to Weimar." Any of you perverts been to Weimar lately?

Yep, Pat's still spitting nails, but nobody is listening anymore. That angry white man rap doesn't play well in good times. Isolationism is antiquated in today's global economy. Pat and his pore-oozing hatred are obsolete and his whole act is degenerating into a sideshow that will keep us entertained during the coming campaign season which will be otherwise pretty dreary.

Pat won't be winning any elections this year unless all the candidates go off onto some island and vote who should be the first to get thrown out.