John Montgomery Presents This Week's	August 5, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Republican Convention Creeps
	Compassionate Whitewash

Yeah, I know there's not supposed to be any news generated at these things anymore. Political conventions have descended into four-day, scripted plays where all the dirty laundry is kept hidden and absolutely nothing unexpected happens. There's about as much life at a political convention as there is at a Stepford Wives Ball and you expect to see the footprints painted on the floor like an Arthur Murray dance lesson. I know all that.

But who the hell were those guys who showed up in Philadelphia this week? They didn't look like any of the Republicans I've seen lately. Blacks? Hispanics? Gays? That's right! Gays at a Republican convention! And these deviant sinners were at the podium during prime time, not outside picketing or inside cleaning toilets! Where's a standard-issue, bigoted, homophobic white male Republican supposed to go these days? No wonder Pat Buchanan left the party.

This is not your father's Republican party. It's not even the party we've all come to know and gag at these past eight years. Where were the drooling pigs who actually run the party? Where was Tom Delay? What happened to Jesse Helms and James Inhofe? Why didn't Dan "Scumbag" Burton show up? Did he have to stay back in Washington and write some more subpoenas?

The entire Christian right lunatic fringe contingent must have missed the plane to Philadelphia. Calling Jerry Falwell! Where have you gone, Gary Bauer?

I expected to see some sign (or even hear some mention) of the most influential Republican of the 1990's - Ken Starr! But no, I guess the guys running this convention somehow forgot about Ken's six-year, $50 million obsessive quest to titillate conservative America. Where were Bob Barr and the rest of the House Impeachment Managers? The least they could have done is fill our wide-screen, 72-inch TVs with an actual sized shot of Linda Tripp's ass.

Thankfully, Charlton Heston had the courtesy to call in with a good excuse from rehab.

And how could I have missed the filmed tribute to Newt Gingrich? Did they show that when I turned the channel to watch "Survivor" instead?

Speaking of survivors, the people who actually did show up to speak were on their best behavior:

Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott didn't mention his racist pals at the Council of Conservative Citizens and didn't compare homosexuality to kleptomania.

Vice-presidential candidate Dick Cheney neglected to state his opposition to Head Start, Nelson Mandela, AIDS research, Clean Air, Safe Drinking Water, and bans on cop killer bullets and plastic handguns. He also didn't point out that his daughter Mary is a raging kleptomaniac.

Dick's wife Lynne gave a speech where she didn't talk about how distressing it is for her to watch Bill and Hillary walking hand-in-hand. None of the delegates seemed to mind that Lynne has the same face, hair, voice, outspokenness and box-like pants suits as the dreaded Hillary Clinton.

Speaking of things the delegates didn't seem to mind, when the most distinguished member of the entire Republican party, General Colin Powell, advocated affirmative action and spending more money on education, they all applauded like trained seals. Kinda makes you wonder how they would have reacted if he'd reminded them that he's pro-choice.

The saddest spectacle all week was watching John McCain, the only presidential candidate in either party this year who showed the slightest sign of having any balls, bend over and take one for Dubya. After being accused by Bush and his lackeys of being in favor of breast cancer and against Christianity, being the good soldier must have been as excruciating as the Hanoi Hilton.

(You want to know what a Bush presidency would look like? Hold your nose and take a gander at Karl Rove, the slimy, worm-like Bush henchman who orchestrated the anti-McCain jihad.)

Finally, it was the big man's turn. George W Bush gave a rousing acceptance speech, during which he somehow failed to invoke the names of the vile skunks, like Pat Robertson and Bob Jones III, whose butts are still emblazoned with the lip prints George applied there in exchange for votes in the South Carolina primary.

So whaddya think? Is it really a new, inclusive, tolerant, kinder & gentler, touchy-feely candidate and party ready to lead all the brothers and sisters to the mountain top, with no child left behind? Or was the convention just a compassionate whitewash cover-up extravaganza designed to keep all the family scumbags safely stashed away in the backyard outhouse until after the election?

As The Who used to say, "Meet the new Bush, Same as the old Bush."