John Montgomery Presents This Week's	July 29, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Kathie Lee Gifford
	The World Becomes A Little Less Sickening

Our 15-year, stomach-wrenching nightmare is finally over. From now on, it'll be safe to turn on the TV in the morning without having a barf bag in hand. We can all save some wear and tear on our digestive systems and our toilet bowls. Kathie Lee is gone.

No more saccharin, fanciful tales of family bliss with Frank, Cody and Cassidy. No more sniveling, puke-inducing pleas for sympathy and understanding. No more mad dashes to the bathroom. Kathie Lee is gone.

How did she make us want to hurl? Let me count the ways:

June, 1996 - Kathie Lee gets caught running a sweatshop - At first she denied everything and castigated the messenger. When the proof came out, she went into her patented pout routine, which is always a variation on, "How could anyone accuse me of doing anything wrong? I'm such a good wife and mother!"

May, 1997 - Frank gets caught grabbing some ass - At first they both denied everything and castigated the messenger. When the proof came out, suddenly they begged for privacy. To the delight of philandering husbands everywhere, Kathie Lee counseled Frank in the sack: "We stayed home, we stayed in bed ... Each time you make love, that person feels forgiven."

January, 1998 - Kathie Lee has kind words for a dead pedophile - Her late step-son-in-law, Michael Kennedy, was porking the babysitter. She didn't think that was so bad. Actually, it's not much more disgusting than what she's been doing to TV audiences all these years.

Finally, this week, Kathie Lee ended the agony. She retired from her daily assault on our intestinal tracts, "Live with Regis & Kathie Lee." Sickening to the end, she complained that she could no longer handle the nasty things people had to say about her sweet Cody and Cassidy: "Frank and I are fair game. We're grown-up people, but children are not fair game." No mention of who publicly crammed the kids down our collective throats five days a week in the first place.

Her stated reason for leaving was to give her more time to pursue a career in music. "I've got songs to sing. I've got songs to write." I've got cookies to toss.

But undoubtedly, Kathie Lee saw the writing on the wall. Regis sure doesn't need her anymore. Once just Kathie Lee's dull sidekick, Rege is now the coolest guy on TV. And to put it charitably, she's starting to get that stereotyped "middle aged woman pretending to be younger" look characterized by some tell-tale signs of cosmetic surgery: those oriental eyes and (How can I say this delicately?) uneven breast placement.

So what's next for the happy Gifford family? Frank got forced out of Monday Night Football and now is surely wandering around the house wondering how a studley ex-jock like himself ended up as an oxen-yoked, leg-shackled, chastity-belted house husband. The kids will continue on the pathway to the shell-shocked, emotionally wrecked adulthood that their mother paved for them. And Kathie Lee will follow her pal Regis into TV super stardom as the host of the new series, "Who Wants To Be A Wilted, Nauseating, Talentless Wench?"

Kathie Lee is gone. Anybody need a lifeline?