John Montgomery Presents This Week's	July 1, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	The Elian Show Gets Canceled
	Wave Bye-Bye To The Loco Gringos, Elian

It was fun while it lasted, but our long national nightmare of a soap opera is finally over. Elian is back in Cuba, where (depending on your point of view) he is either enjoying being home for the first time in seven months or being brainwashed in a military indoctrination camp. This whole sad saga and everyone involved with it stunk as bad as Fidel Castro's army suit after a three-day beans-and-rice farting contest in the steamy Havana sun.

And what was it all about? Politics. Clinton versus the Clinton Haters, Al versus George, Good versus Evil, Marisleysis versus Sanity. It was a gross political mess stirred up by a pack of hyenas who are rabid family-values, small-government bigots, but only when it suits their rant-de-jour. In this case, they thought the federal government ought to take a six-year-old boy away from his father because they knew how to raise him better than he did. When Elian thinks back on the circus parade of clowns he encountered in the United States, here's what he'll remember:

• Donato Dalrymple - The fisherman who turned out to be a house cleaner who turned out not to have a job at all. After rescuing Elian from the ocean, he spent all his time chasing Marisleysis and hiding in her closet. He's the Kato Kaelin of the 21st century. And he's not even Cuban.

• Marisleysis Gonzalez - What do you say about a deranged basket case who fouled the airwaves on a daily basis with her emotionally distraught delusions? What do you say about a Roseanne Roseannadanna clone who thought she was fit to be Elian's mother when she wasn't strapped into a straitjacket and a valium IV at the closest loony bin? What do you say? How about this: ¡Chingate! ¡Vete pa'l carajo! ¡Come mierda! ¡Qué pendejo! ¡Me duele los testículos!

• The Republicans - They brought out their slimiest (Tom Delay) and their stupidest (Dan "Scumbag" Burton) to threaten subpoenas, hearings, court fights and the destruction of truth, justice and the American Way. They finally backed off when they realized that the average American would rather see Elian grow up to be a red commie bastard than to have any of these contemptible corn holes have a say in his upbringing.

• Al Gore - One of the more disgusting scenes in the Elian Show was the sight of Al, crawling on his hands and knees like a cheap Saturday night hooker, pandering for the Cuban-American vote. Get some kneepads, Al. They save wear-and-tear on the suits.

• The Miami Lawyers - The family must have had two dozen lawyers of all nationalities, genders and ages. Every week, more showed up. They were great at holding press conferences, appearing on TV talk shows and filing lawsuits. The only thing they couldn't do was win anything in court. These Johnnie Cochran wannabees would have been better off spending a little less time in front of the cameras and a little more time in the law library, eh?

• Janet Reno - She may be homely, awkward and suffering from Parkinson's, but she sure kicked some greasy Cuban ass down there in Miami, didn't she? She's got more balls than any of them.