John Montgomery Presents This Week's	June 17, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	The Central Park Groping Gangs
	Reekin' At The Puerto Rican Day Parade

Parades just ain't what they used to be. I can remember going to parades that were full of brass bands, colorful floats and uniformed marching men with flags. The worst thing that could happen in those innocent old days was that some of the spectators (or participants) might get too caught up in the festivities and start puking on the streets, which you'd have to step around on the way home. You'd shake your head and hold your nose, but there wasn't really any danger.

No more.

At parades in 2000, the revelers are a lot more rowdy. If you manage to avoid the horrors of pandering politicians, you might be sexually assaulted by gruesome gangs of groping gapers who douse you with water, tear your clothes off, fondle your privates and then rob you. That's what happened at this week's Puerto Rican Day parade in New York City. A gaggle of these gropers (latest number is 60 and rising), many of whom were described as drunk or reeking of marijuana, engaged in a series of pack attacks on young women (latest number is 47 and rising) in Central Park.

Some of the victims are also charging that they got no help from the policemen to whom they reported the crimes immediately afterwards. Imagine getting harassed by a drunken Puerto Rican and a lazy, donut-stuffed cop all in the same miserable day. The only good news for the attackees (and the police) was that these days, video cameras are as commonplace as naked pictures of Dr. Laura Schlesinger on the internet. The attacks were recorded by amateurs as well as news organizations, and once the cops recovered from their sugar-induced dazes and realized that, they began releasing pictures of the suspects.

Apparently these guys aren't any more popular with their friends and families than they are to the groped attackees, because quite a few of them were turned in through the police hot line, where rewards were being offered. As of this moment, 16 have been arrested. They range in age from 16 to 31, and include a barber, a minister's son, a high school student who said he was only trying to help the women being attacked, a weasel who snuck out the back window while the cops were interviewing his mother at the front door, and a father of two boys who's described as a good parent. Hey Dad, let's have another one of those water fights where the girls get naked!

According to the police, the leader of the pack is Manuel Vargas, pictured above, who you will be surprised to learn is proclaiming his innocence. "I was just sitting there doing nothing, you know? I'm not involved." He had no explanation for the wet bra in his back pocket.

Something else you won't be surprised to learn is that Mayor Rudy Giuliani thinks his cops did OK. After all, they didn't shoot one unarmed black guy the entire day. Rudy went on to say that Central Park is “one of the safest places in urban America.” You'll have to give the Mayor credit for that, he's right. In fact, I can think of quite a few places in urban America that are a lot more dangerous than Central Park:

• Hot tubs in Mark Chmura's neighborhood.
• Unwed mothers' homes in Rae Carruth's neighborhood.
• Death row in George W. Bush's neighborhood.
• Anyplace within hearing distance of Marisleysis Gonzalez.
• Anyplace within grabbing distance of Patsy Ramsey when you've just wet the bed.