John Montgomery Presents This Week's	May 13, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Rudolph Giuliani
	The Mayor's Wife Gets A Rudy Awakening

Rudy had his campaign theme all set: The tough prosecutor who cleaned up New York City was going to kick Hillary's corrupt, carpetbagging ass back to Arkansas and then storm down to Washington, a place which surely needs some cleaning up of its own. If a few of his tactics seemed overly harsh, like the New York Police Department shooting a bunch of unarmed black guys dead, Rudy was unapologetic. "Yeah, we killed him. He was a scumbag! Have a look at his arrest record! You wanna clean up this city or what?" A lot of New Yorkers are OK with that. And a lot of conservatives all over the country were enthusiastically raising wads of cash for Rudy's campaign, despite his liberal views on abortion and gay rights. Why?

You know why. Nothing causes a right-winger's mouth to foam like the name 'Clinton'. Just when they thought they were finally getting rid the diabolical duo of Bill and Hillary, she comes up with this evil scheme to steal a Senate seat and then run for president some day. She infuriates them further by ignoring their ranting with an innocent wonder that says, "I'm really not sure what these tiny-testicled, women-hating pigs are so upset about."

So it was going to be a great race. But now it's not.

First came the health problem. A few weeks ago, Rudy announced that he had prostate cancer. That's a shame. Friend and foe alike wished the mayor a full recovery. Some even saw this as an opportunity for Rudy to show once again how tough he is.

But this week, Rudy made his political life even more complicated. He held a press conference to tell the world that he and his wife, Donna Hanover, were going to become legally separated. That may not have been news to too many people, since the pair have been going their separate ways for quite a few years. But it was news to one person: Donna. She immediately held a press conference of her own to say that she didn't know anything about the separation, but she wasn't too surprised because in addition to Judith Nathan, Rudy's current girlfriend who he's been flaunting around town, he had also been carrying on with his former communications director, Cristyne Lategano.

That sucking sound you hear is the deflating of all those flatulent gasbags at the Clinton Haters Club. Like all good Republicans, Rudy had claimed the moral high ground against Hillary, saying she would "destroy our traditional values." It got worse: When Billy Joel's song "Captain Jack" was played at Hillary's campaign kickoff rally, Rudy complained that the song encourages "drug use and masturbation." Not only is he a hypocrite, he doesn't know anything about rock music, either. A deadly combination.

So what happens now? Rudy's a goner. He says, "I don't really care about politics right now," and the Republicans are frantically searching for another candidate. It will be some colorless political hack, the campaign will be unbearably boring, and Hillary will march into the Senate. Thanks, Rudy.

That dreary scenario can only please one guy: Bill Clinton. Hillary will be busy in Washington and New York, allowing him to enjoy a peaceful retirement in the company of a wide variety of delightful young ladies. Are you paying attention, Donna? Looking for a great way to get some revenge?