John Montgomery Presents This Week's	April 29, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Marisleysis Gonzalez
	Separated at Birth?

Ever since this Elian debacle began, I've been trying to figure out who his cousin Marisleysis reminds me of. During those hysterical, tearful performances she's been giving to the press each day for the last few months, I've been racking my brain, knowing she was a dead ringer for someone I knew. Finally, during the manic, hour-long press conference on Easter morning, when she became completely unhinged, it hit me. Marisleysis has got to be the evil reincarnation of Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Check it out: They both have the same psychotic look in their eyes, the same incoherent rambling of ludicrous nonsense for the TV cameras, the same obliviousness to reality, and the same fingernails-on-the-chalkboard, grating, Hispanic-accented voice. I thought I was gonna be sick!

But you can only take that analogy so far. Roseanne Roseannadanna was a lovable character, really funny, and of course, fictional. Marisleysis Gonzalez is all too real and she isn't making anyone laugh right now.

As predicted here a few weeks ago, the big event finally happened. The feds broke into the home of Elian's Miami relatives and snatched the boy away at gunpoint. You've seen the pictures. Elian is now with his father. You've seen those pictures, too. You've also seen and heard the subsequent delusional reaction of Marisleysis and her spluttering entourage. Throw the ever-present politicians into the fray and you've got a real band of banshees.

Let's get to the bottom line. There's no one in the world more responsible for the 5 AM INS raid than Marisleysis. She and her father Lazaro have been intransigent and threatening with their refusal to turn Elian over to his father. They were holding him illegally, parading him around every day like a trophy, and stoking up the rowdy crowd around the house, where they were practicing their arm-locking maneuvers to prevent any peaceful transfer from taking place. Marisleysis ended up in the hospital on at least two occasions, suffering exhaustion from her continuous public wailing and railing. During the negotiations, she stated that the family would never allow the transfer to take place under the conditions that were required, and also warned, "There are more than just cameras in the house." Speaking of cameras, their most despicable move was that obscene video they made of Elian jumping around on his bed, telling his father to buzz off, while looking off-camera for directions on what to say next.

Defiant, dangerous and nuts. If you're the Attorney General, how do you deal with people like that? With guns. Big guns. Shove them in their faces, tell them to get their asses out the way, do what you came to do, and get the hell out of there. That's what happened. Marisleysis complained that they didn't know the INS was coming. But there just happened to be an AP news photographer in the house to take pictures, the fisherman just happened to be hiding in a closet holding Elian, and Marisleysis just happened to have her hair done and her makeup on.

From there, the family circus flew to Washington, demanding to see Elian. "Let me see this boy,'' Marisleysis pleaded. "I know this boy needs to see me, too.'' And what about the pictures of Elian and his father, doesn't he look happy? "That picture that they showed with the father, that is not Elian. That hair is not Elian's!" This weeping woman is an emotional basket case. A lunatic. As they say in Spanish, "loco". Just getting Elian away from that crazy lady was reason enough to break down her door.

Another sign of mental imbalance: Did you notice that blubbering, bloated buffoon standing behind Marisleysis at the press conference and holding a pink Easter egg? That was the family's sponsor from congress, Senator Bob Smith of New Hampshire. What is a Senator from New Hampshire doing hanging around these insane asylum escapees and getting them thrown out of Andrews Air Force Base all week long? Who knows? It makes as much sense as anything else the family has done.

This saga still has a few more chapters. Here are my predictions:

• The family will become rich by selling their story which will be made into a mini-series on ABC. Too bad Gilda Radner's not available to play Marisleysis.
• Marisleysis will appear nude in the Cuban-American version of Penthouse. I will not buy the magazine, but I will supply a link to the web site where the pirated pictures get posted.
• The Republicans in Congress will hold hearings which will last until Elian is an old man with a beard as long as Castro's. No one will pay any attention.
• The fisherman and Marisleysis will become an Item, but he'll eventually break it off saying, "I get enough cold fish at work."
• Janet Reno and Bill Clinton, both soon to retire, will get together occasionally to relive the good old days when they showed those pesky Miami Cubans who's really in charge.