John Montgomery Presents This Week's	April 15, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Mark Chmura
	From Cheese Head To Sleaze Head

Suppose you're in Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory, putting together a human-like creature from the spare parts that your assistant Igor drags in from the cesspool. All you have to work with is the arrogant, dumb-jock mentality of Rae Carruth, the moralizing hypocrisy of Earl Kimmerling, and the "I'll take the baby sitter home, dear" technique of Michael Kennedy. What sort of being could you possibly create with such a stinking assortment of raw material?  Smells like Mark Chmura to me.

Mark is a tight end for the Green Bay Packers who was a key member of the team when they won Super Bowls in 1997 and 1998. He is regarded as one of the best tight ends in the National Football League. But don't think of Mark as just a one-dimensional dumb jock. He regards himself as an active supporter of family charities and conservative politics.

In fact, Mark went public with his ideals when he refused to go to the White House with the rest of his team to meet with President Clinton after the Packers' 1997 Super Bowl victory. Why was that? Did he have a charity fund raiser to attend instead? A family birthday party? Perhaps a Young Republican's Club Meeting? No, Mark refused to go because he disapproved of Bill's low moral character.

Good for Mark! It's about time a professional athlete held himself up as positive role model for the youth of America! And you can bet that a fine, upstanding young man like Mark would keep his own sexual organ sterilized in an antiseptic jar, to be used only on a semi-annual basis for procreational purposes with his wife. Right?

Well, it looks like Mark went to the jar once too often. This week, he got arrested after his 17-year-old baby sitter accused him of sexual assault. The assault occurred at a party held in Mark's friend's house after a prom at the local high school. What do you suppose a 31-year-old pro football player was doing at a prom party? Chaperoning for one of his family charities? No, Mark and the owner of the house were playing drinking games with the high school girls in a hot tub. The girl in question, who knew Mark from baby-sitting his two kids, became "very intoxicated'' after drinking vodka. Mark then took her into the bathroom and without saying a word, took off her clothes and porked her. Right on the floor.

Since Mark is so fond of comparing his high moral values to Bill Clinton's, I thought I'd help him out by providing an update on their comparative escapades.
 

The police are recommending that Mark be charged with third-degree sexual assault, which could put him away for as long as ten years. The only good news for him is that by the time he gets out, he probably won't have to listen to any more tight end jokes.