John Montgomery Presents This Week's	February 19, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	The Reform Party
	The Party's Over

The Reform Party never was much of a refuge for the emotionally stable. It started out as the love child of party sugar daddy Ross Perot, without doubt the most whacked out crackpot ever to grace the political stage. In 1992, Ross got 19 percent of the vote in the presidential election, despite his paranoid rants and incomprehensible colored charts. Four years later, the Texas cornpone act was wearing thin. Ross got booted from the presidential debates and finished the race with a measly 8 percent. It looked like Ross and his Reform party would soon be headed for the political nursing home.

But in 1998, an amazing event occurred: A Reform Party candidate actually won an election. Jesse Ventura, a professional wrestler and amateur politician who wears feathers on his head instead of hair, became the duly elected Governor of Minnesota. Suddenly, the Reform Party looked alive again and Jesse was its star. Jesse was cool while Ross was a senile old coot. Jesse resonated while Ross rusted. Jesse smiled while Ross sucked. Last year, Jesse and his boys took over the party, electing Jack Gargan as chairman, and telling Ross's Texas Twits to git on back home to the ranch.

At that point, the Party began to deteriorate into a scene like a drunken orgy when the participants suddenly realize that not everyone is going to get laid. The Reformers started acting like Democrats. Jesse got in trouble for remarks about fat people and religion, reminding everyone that Governor or no Governor, he may have been head-slammed in the ring a few too many times. Pat Buchanan, whose entire reason for living is hatred of Jews, immigrants, women, blacks, Jews, Mexicans, Canadians, Japanese, Indians, Armenians and Jews, bolted the Republicans and became a Reform Party candidate for president. Then Donald Trump, the New York real estate billionaire, showed up at the Party with a buxom babe on each arm and a big dick in the middle. Ross and his entourage came back and began challenging Jesse for control again, setting up a childish and embarrasing battle over where the national convention was going to be, who was in charge of the finances, and whether Donald or Pat was the world's biggest asshole.

This week, dawn hit and the Party began breaking up. Jack Gargan received a pointed cowboy boot up his butt, and was replaced by Pat Choate, who was Ross's running mate in 1996. Jesse said, "I don't need no stinking Reform Party," and quit. Donald said, "I can't associate with all this low-life riff-raff, and besides, my babes need me," and also quit. Pat came barging into Minnesota to diss Jesse for not putting up a fight. Jesse responded that anytime Pat wanted to put on a feathered headdress and meet him in the ring, he was ready.

The Reform Party was once well situated to become a potent alternative to the two major political parties who have delivered us nothing but a steady stream of hypocrites and whores over the years. Now it's just another batch of boisterous banshees who got a little power and money, and then pissed it all away. Don't be surprised if Dan Quayle shows up next.