John Montgomery Presents This Week's	January 29, 2000	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Gary Bauer
	Mosh Pit-Gate

What septic tank did they pump out to find this guy? Who the hell is he? Remember those tight-assed, unsmiling, sanctimonious kids in school who never enjoyed anything and glared at the rest of us with condescending, disapproving scowls whenever we had the audacity to have fun? One of them grew up to be Gary Bauer, the stern chaperone of the other wild and crazy presidential candidates.

President? As in President of the United States? Yes, Gary's a candidate for the Republican nomination. What are his qualifications? Why haven't we ever heard of him? He's never been elected to anything. Gary advertises himself as a former Reagan administration official, and he talks about Ronald as if the two of them hit the bars every night to play pool, discuss the great issues of the day, and help Ronald forget that he was married to one of the wickedest witches in the history of western civilization. For the record, Gary was Assistant for Policy Development and Director of the Office of Policy Development, as well as Under Secretary of the Department of Education. In other words, a bureaucrat.

So why does Gary think he should be President? Did Saint Ronald tell him to run? No, God did. That's right, God wants you to vote for Gary because of the moral crisis facing our country that Gary is uniquely qualified to address. If I thought there was a moral crisis in this country (which I don't), I wouldn't be looking for some politician to fix it. And if I was (which I'm not), it wouldn't be Gary Bauer.

Most people agree. His campaign, which emphasizes the twin evils of abortion and China, has failed to catch fire. In this week's Iowa caucuses, Gary finished fourth, with nine percent of the vote, behind Steve Forbes and Alan Keyes, both of whom are vying for the same conservative, religious right vote that Gary is. That seemed to cause Gary to lose it.

Two days later, in another of the endless round of candidate debates, somebody asked Gary to talk about his views on the presidential election process. Gary indignantly refused. I'm not going to waste my time talking about process, he proclaimed. There are important issues facing our country. Why doesn't anyone ever ask me about those?

Not a bad response. So what great issues do you have for us, Gary? Load up your cannon and give us your best shot. When Gary had a chance to question Alan Keyes, we found out the how truly threatened we are as a nation. In his harshest tone of voice, Gary stared at Alan and made his stand: "I was a little surprised this week to see you fall into a mosh pit while a band called 'The Machine Rages On' played." (Gary later corrected his mistake about the name of the band, but you catch his drift.) Wow! What a blow! We had no idea about Alan's dirty little secret! A candidate for President had devolved to the depths of depravity! There really is a moral crisis in this country.

It's only fair to point out that Alan's campaign hasn't been much different than Gary's. Alan's never been elected to anything either, and his speeches contain the same holier-than-thou, God-speaks-only-to-me, rap-your-knuckles-with-a-wooden-pointer diatribes. His response to the mosh pit accusation was typically pompous: "I think that exemplifies the kind of trust in people that is the heart and soul of the Keyes campaign." But at least Alan has a fire-and-brimstone manner that's fun to listen to, and after all, he did jump into the mosh pit. Anyone who does that can't be all bad.

So lighten up, Gary, you sleazy, moralizing little weasel. Jump into a mosh pit yourself and see if anyone catches you.