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5/29/2008 |
You may think we’re
concentrating on the comedy, but there are other dark thoughts lurking in our
degenerate minds.
You ever wonder what the performers
you’re watching on stage are thinking? Are they concentrating on their
lines or the acting process or on making sure their efforts are the best they
can produce? Well maybe, but when I’m up there, performing with the Moose
Pie sketch comedy group (pictured above) or doing stand up comedy alone, the
brain cells are working on a few thousand other things. A small but
representative sampling:
·
They put that
front row awfully close to the stage. Can those people see up my nose? Can they
smell my feet? Maybe one of them will put a dollar bill in my thong.
·
Why isn’t
that beady-eyed weasel in the fourth row laughing? He’s not even smiling.
In fact, he’s not paying attention to me at all. What the hell’s
wrong with him? Doesn’t he know our No Refunds policy? Or is that what
he’s thinking about? Is he so angry about the way his eyes look that he
can’t enjoy a nice night of comedy? Dickhead! I hope he chokes on his
drink and they have to carry him out on a slab.
·
Let’s see,
there are about 35 people here, at $15 apiece, that totals up to …. Oh
shit, I need a calculator … OK, let’s make it easier. 40 people.
$15 times 40 is …. I still need a calculator. Let’s pretend
it’s $20 apiece, that makes it real easy. That’s …. How many
people did I say there were? Subtract one for that beady-eyed weasel
who’s still not laughing. I don’t want his money. It’s
probably got rabies.
·
This sketch
sucks! How did I let myself get talked into doing it? The audience is falling
asleep. I ought to just get up and walk off the stage. That might get a laugh.
·
How many of
these people didn’t pay to get in? There’s
·
What’s my
next line? Everybody’s staring at me and I don’t have a clue. I
should have studied the script. I should have been at the last rehearsal. I
should have stayed in school. I shouldn’t have quit the day job. I should
have become a priest. They can burn incense while they work and the sex is
better.
·
Damn! Look at
that slinky chick with the short skirt making her way to her table. Oh my God,
has she noticed me yet? Come on honey, how about a little eye contact! I wonder
if she’s with somebody. Maybe I’ll connect with her from the stage
and then we’ll connect for real later. Which table is she going to? It
looks like she’s headed for … Oh Jesus, she’s sitting down
next to that beady-eyed weasel! What is it with these hot-looking women,
anyway? Why do they always end up with the scum-sucking, sociopathic dregs of
society? No wonder she needs a night out. I think the waitress might spit in
that weasel’s drink for me if I ask her nicely. She must realize what a loser
he is, even if that slinky chick with the short skirt doesn’t.
·
Oh, that line
just went over like Colonel Sanders in the henhouse. Dead silence! It was
supposed to get a huge laugh! Maybe it was my delivery. Maybe it was
Dickie’s lame set up. I’m going to ream him out after the show.
Maybe it was just too intelligent and sophisticated for this audience.
Especially for that beady-eyed weasel and his sleazy ho.
·
Hey, that lady
just laughed so hard she snorted out beer through her nose! I’ve been waiting
my whole comedy career to make that happen!
·
Is this show
finally over? Where’s my money?
Show business.
Where small minds go to expand.