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3/29/2007 |
Even from the grave, Anna’s
most valuable assets continue to be in demand
I just got some very bad news about Anna
Nicole Smith. It turns out I’m the only guy in
Anna Nicole has been dead for nearly two
months and was only recently buried, but she is not resting in peace.
There’s a long line of guys claiming to be the father of her infant
daughter, Dannielynn. Normally in these situations,
an out-of-wedlock father is as scarce as Ann Coulter at the Miss Congeniality
Awards Dinner. But this time, there’s something about Dannielynn
that seems to attract the slimiest of potential Dads. Think it has anything to
do with her $84 million inheritance? These selfless, paternalistic
guys? How can you be so crass and heartless during their time of grief?
Let’s review the lengthy list of paternity sweepstakes contestants we
know about at this time.
Contestant #1:
Howard K. Stern – No,
it’s not the radio shock jock. Too bad. That
would be a great story! Drunken midgets, lesbians and Anna Nicole! I’d
pay for satellite radio just to hear the details of that episode. But no, this
Howard was Anna Nicole’s attorney. I always thought lawyers operated
under some kind of ethical guideline that prohibited (or at least discouraged)
them from poking their clients. Evidently, that was another in a string of
naïve assumptions I’ve made in my life. It looks like Howard made the
attorney / client privilege a little too privileged. I’ll leave the
obvious punch line about getting screwed by your lawyer to someone much less
mature than me.
So far, Howard seems to have the upper hand
in the paternity sweepstakes competition. He’s a lawyer, after all. He
was there when she died, although for some reason he didn’t prevent the
woman he loved so much from taking all those Marilyn Monroe-like drugs. And he
just oozes slime from every pore whenever he’s in front of the cameras.
He’s the poster boy for Anna Nicole’s type of guy.
Contestant #2:
Larry Birkhead – Larry is some kind of pretty-boy, beachcombing, celebrity
photographer. I’m not exactly sure what celebrity photography is, but I
guess it involves a large amount of following celebrities around, taking their
pictures and then selling them to tabloid publications for large sums of money.
Then you take the money and try to get the celebrity pregnant. Pretty nice work
if you can get it. Like Howard before him, Larry appears to have crossed that
ethical boundary that says one should not shit where one eats. In other words,
keep your hands off the merchandise. Larry would say: “I broke it, I want
to buy it!”
I have a hard time believing Larry’s
story. Anna Nicole liked her men old and ugly, like Howard and her late husband
(or like me, for that matter). No, if Larry has been boinking
any celebrities, I’d guess they’re more along the lines of George
Michael.
Contestant #3: Prince Frederic von Anhalt
– Speaking of old and ugly,
here’s a prince of a father figure. Frederic is not only royalty,
he’s a royal gigolo. He’s already well versed in the art of
seducing rich and famous ladies, such as his wife of 20 years, Zsa Zsa Gabor.
In case you haven’t been keeping track, Zsa Zsa is now 90 years old and even at that advanced age,
still has the loud mouth and the Hungarian accent. With all that to look
forward to at home, why would Frederic be out looking for some strange? Some guys are never satisfied.
Frederic’s married status does raise a
few questions, however. If he were to win the paternity sweepstakes, does that
make Zsa Zsa the mother of Dannielynn? Step-Grandmother?
Crazy Hungarian aunt kept locked up in the attic? And what about
Contestant
#4: Tom Delay – You may have noticed that Tom has been
popping up everywhere these days. The former corrupt member of Congress has a
new book out which he’s been hawking on all the cable news shows for the
past month. He’s had a lot to say about the current state of politics but
almost nothing to say about his pending indictment and future job as a license
plate manufacturer. He’s trying hard to resuscitate his reputation, and
his coming out as a potential father to Anna Nicole’s daughter is a good
step in that direction. As Tom states in his book, “If
she was looking for slime, she couldn’t get any slimier than me.”
Spot on as always, Tom. Let’s hope Dannielynn
enjoys her visits to the penitentiary on Father’s Day.
Tom has already demonstrated his
compassionate conservatism with dead ladies during the Terry Schiavo fiasco. If he only hadn’t had to resign from
Congress due to excessive sliminess, he could have made the federal government
intervene in that seedy who-gets-to-decide-where-we-bury-Anna-Nicole dispute.
So place your bets on your favorite to win
the paternity sweepstakes while there’s still time. The winner gets Dannielynn and her money as well as Anna Nicole’s
eternal gratitude. The losers go home empty handed, but you can be sure guys
like this will find something to put their hand around soon enough.