Scooter Gets a Dicking

3/6/2007

Big Dick Cheney keeps track of the number (to date) of his ex-staff members who are now felons

Big Dick Cheney hasn’t been having a very good year. His public pronouncements on the war he started in Iraq have gone from openly ludicrous (The insurgency is in its last throes) to obvious senility (Britain’s plan to pull its troops out of Iraq is a sign of the war’s success while the Democrats’ opposition to the US troop surge validates the Al Qaeda Strategy). Whistle blowers have revealed that wounded Iraq veterans are treated like lowlife scumbags by military hospitals and US Attorneys are being fired because they don’t promote administration policies closely enough. Wolf Blitzer of CNN had the audacity to ask Big Dick in an interview about the inconvenient truth that his lesbian daughter was pregnant while his Republican party has been using rampant homophobia as a way to win elections for the last 10 years. Big Dick took a trip to the Asia and the Middle East to remind the government leaders over there who’s really running things and instead of being grateful, they tried to blow him up. Then he gets home and finds out that he’s got a big blood clot in his leg from putting his foot in his mouth so often.

But Big Dick’s dreary world just got a little worse. Today, his main foaming-at-the-mouth attack dog, Scooter Libby, was found guilty of two counts of perjury, one count of making false statements and one count of obstruction of justice in the CIA Plamegate case. Scooter lied to the FBI and a grand jury to cover up for leaking the name of a CIA agent to the press. After a three-year investigation and trial, during which an entire boatload of administration officials was implicated, Scooter was the one selected to get a Dicking for the team. His defense during the trial consisted of “I’m an idiot with a bad memory” and “I’m just an unsuspecting fall guy for the real culprit (and big-time asshole) in this case, Karl Rove.”

But don’t be uncorking the champagne just yet. Even though a rabid, despicable pig like Scooter Libby richly deserves to have his lying ass thrown in jail for the next 30 years, it will never happen. He’ll extend his appeals out until Bush’s last day as president, at which time Scooter will get a full and complete pardon. He and George and Big Dick will all go back to the ranch in Crawford, smoke a few cigars and laugh about how they managed to give the country one last Dicking.

Of course, Scooter was just a lackey, a groveling bootlicker carrying out orders from an administration that was panicked when the concocted justification for their war began to crumble. They were playing kill the messenger and thought that revealing Valerie Plame’s identity as a CIA agent would silence her husband Joseph Wilson, a war critic who had become one very troublesome messenger. For anyone who wasn’t already aware of the Bush administration’s paranoid treachery, Scooter’s trial provided abundant evidence.

So forget Scooter. What we can all agree on is that Big Dick Cheney is the most purely evil man in American History, one with absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever. What? You think maybe there have been Americans more evil than Big Dick? Gimme a name. Timothy McVeigh, perhaps? No. Timothy killed 168 people in Oklahoma City. Big Dick is responsible for the deaths of over 3,000 Americans in Iraq, with many more to come before it’s over. He and his fellow Iraq war conspirators, Donald Rumsfeld and Condoleezza Rice, ought to be marched out of Washington in shackles, shipped over to the Hague, put on trial as international war criminals and left to rot until Big Dick’s father Beelzebub comes to bring the whole sorry lot of them back to a joyous homecoming in hell.

And let’s not forget Colin Powell. There was a man with impeccable integrity and one who, unlike anyone else in Bush’s pack of degenerate chicken hawks, actually had combat experience. I thought he’d keep the rest of those jackals in line. Instead, he went to the UN and convinced the world that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Big Dick and Rumsfeld must have been rolling on the floor, spewing out beer through their noses as they laughed themselves silly watching Colin’s performance on TV. Surely by now, he realizes they played him for a chump, but he’s content to be the gullible, silent, good soldier. He doesn’t deserve the Hague treatment, but certainly a good swift military kick to his non-functioning balls would be in order right about now.

As for our Chimpanzee in Chief? What do we do with him? He didn’t know what was going on. The only thing they told him was that Saddam tried to kill his father. “Hey George, you can avenge the threat to your father’s life and prove you’re a better president all at the same time! Just send the troops! They’ll greet us as liberators!” He spent his whole life trying to live up to his father’s accomplishments and the rest of us got sucked into this never-ending war. Some mandatory psychiatric help would be a good start for George. And no weekend passes to visit the parents, either. That’s how we got into this stinking, bloody mess in the first place.

I sure miss the days of Oval Office blow jobs.

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