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The Losers of Election
2006
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11/9/2006
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George is now in negative Jeopardy
We got us a thumpin’
goin’ on here. For some unknown reason, the
voters ignored the sage warnings of George Bush and his buds that a victory by
the Democrats is a victory for the terrorists. They also ignored the falling
gas prices that Big Dick Cheney manipulated, the unfunded
700-mile fence to keep those greasy Mexicans out of our hallowed land, the
sexual obsessions with gay marriage and Democratic novels, not to mention the
grotesque ridiculing of Parkinson’s disease patients. The Godless,
heathen American people ignored all that and elected a House of Representatives
and Senate controlled by Democrats. AKA Defeatocrats
or Cut-and-Run-ocrats
or San Francisco Flit Boy ocrats. Whatever Karl Rove
and the rest of the team want to call them, they now control the Congress and
they’re going to make life pretty damn miserable for this administration
of chimpanzees for the next two years.
But let’s not let the moment pass
without paying homage to the long list of losers who made the election of 2006
such a delight to behold. These guys may fade into the woodwork soon, like
scurrying cockroaches when the kitchen lights get turned on, so we’d best
get our gloating done now, while we still can.
Donald Rumsfeld –He’s one of the architects of
Bush’s Iraq war and
next to the Big Dick, the most evil man in America. He has the blood of 3,000
Americans on his hands, more than Osama killed on 9/11. Just last week our fearless leader pledged
his undying support for Rummy, but tossed him overboard as soon as he saw the
election returns. Military leaders, Republican members of Congress, and
George’s own wife have wanted this guy’s ass out of Washington for years,
but George and Karl thought they couldn’t fire him without repudiating
their own failed strategy. Bad move, boys. If Rummy had gone down a few months
ago, they all might be drinking champagne from their cowboy boots right now
rather than removing Nancy Pelosi’s size 5 stilettos from their sorry
butts. So long, Don. May you spend the rest of your days meeting up with family
survivors in dark alleys.
Katherine Harris – The Cruella Deville of the 2000 presidential campaign proved
herself to be not only as ridiculously obnoxious and overbearing as she was
back then, but blatantly mentally ill as well. The lengthy list of staff
members who fled her run for US Senator in Florida this year all have horror stories of
a control freak with a touch-hole-like temper that would erupt at the slightest
provocation. Katherine gullibly thought her shenanigans during the 2000 vote
count debacle in Florida,
where she was simultaneously the Bush campaign manager and election certifier,
would bring her everlasting rewards from the Bush clan. Instead, they thought
she was radioactive (as well as unhinged) and unsuccessfully tried to convince
her not to run for the Senate. She got stomped in the election and now goes
back home to write the book she’s been threatening which will reveal the
secrets of all those who screwed her. It will probably be a long book. Maybe
we’ll get the behind-the-scenes-story of why she was so mean to those 101
Dalmatians.
George Allen –At the
beginning of the year, this George was looking to cruise to re-election as
Virginia Senator and then run for president in 2008. Why? What were his
qualifications for that? Turns out they were the standard ones for any
Republican presidential contender: He wears cowboy boots and has a famous
father. Did I forget anything? No. That’s it. Had it not been for the Macaca incident, George Allen never would have received the
scrutiny that revealed what a gross mediocrity he is. A
racist, mean-spirited mediocrity. His record in the Senate can be
described in three words: Bush Butt Boy.
And what is it with the cowboy costume and
the horses anyway? Didn’t anyone tell him there aren’t any cowboys
in Virginia
anymore? And that football he always carries around with him? What’s the
deal with that? Most guys, even overheated jocks, stop doing that by the time
they’re 19 or so. What’s next for George Allen? He’s not smart
enough to write a book and he’ll probably have a hard time finding anyone
to toss the old pigskin around with him now that he’s no longer in
office. There’s only one option for a washed-up has-been like George: Fox
News commentator.
Rush Limbaugh - Need one guy
to blame for the Democrats taking over the US Senate (besides Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Rove, of course)? Rush’s despicable
imitation of Michael J Fox’s Parkinson’s disease symptoms caused
the residents of Missouri and Maryland to run to the vomitorium
and then to the voting booth to vote for the Democratic candidate. Usually when
Rush is preaching to his pack of rabid dittoheads,
they eat what he feeds them and all is well. But whenever his message gets
beyond the white trash boundaries, like when he got fired from his ESPN gig for
racist comments about Donavan McNabb, he gets in trouble. This time, it was
some disgusting gadget called the Rushcam, which
allowed the antics of Rush’s lard-and-drug-stuffed body to be captured
for posterity and viewed by an audience which actually has the ability and
inclination to think for itself. My toilet bowl overfloweth.
Additional Republican Sleazeballs - Before we get to the Democrat losers, let’s
not forget those four Republicans who weren’t around to be thrown out of
office during this election because they already resigned from Congress due to
rancid sliminess and pending incarceration: Tom DeLay, “Duke” Cunningham (Note: Let’s
now have a permanent reprieve from politicians calling themselves
“Duke”, OK?),
Mark Foley and Robert Ney. Bob Ney deserves special recognition for his lone contribution
to American culture: Freedom Fries. Remember that? Bob was head of the House
cafeteria (a fitting job) when Bush’s Iraq
war was starting and France
was balking at getting involved. Bob’s brilliant idea: Let’s make
the French look stupid by renaming the French Fries in the cafeteria to Freedom
Fries. Doesn’t that make you want to jump up and cheer in a fit of
patriotic rapture? If there was ever a more stupid idea targeted at more stupid
people than Freedom Fries, I’ve never heard of it. Bob and his fellow inmates will soon have
plenty of time to think up clever new names for all the food they eat. Like
Long Dong Silver Dogs.
John Kerry
– Jesus! Can’t this guy just wade out into Boston Harbor
and keep walking? He could have saved us all a lot of trouble by running a
competent campaign in 2004. But no, he couldn’t explain his vote for (and
against) Bush’s Iraq
war and never responded adequately to those Swift Boat Assholes. He’s
been making noise about running for president again in 2008, but hopefully he
squashed that idea for good with his boneheaded botched joke about the
intelligence of our military forces. Or was it a botched joke about the
intelligence of George Bush? Either way, our troops in Iraq were justified in saying WTF?
Luckily, the Republican cynical overreaction had no effect on the election. The
only one to be affected was poor old John and his presidential aspirations.
Thanks for your service in Vietnam,
but get the hell out here, please.
Harold Ford Jr – The one Republican ploy that did work in
this election cycle was one of their oldest: race. Harold was doing pretty well
in his campaign to become a US
Senator from Tennessee
until his opponent ran an ad which implied that black Harold was doing the
nasty with a white, hot-looking blond chick. If you think Republicans get all
hot and bothered by the thought of gay sex, you should see them erupt into
frenzied panic at the thought of black-on-white sex. A lot of those hillbillies
didn’t even know Harold was black until they got a gander at that commercial.
Hells bells, ma, I don’t care about no war when we got those darkies goin’ after our women-folk. Let’s hang him!
So that’s it for Election 2006. OK, you Democrats, as Don Imus
said to John Kerry, don’t screw this up.