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10/3/2006 |
Mark Foley: Out of the closet and into history
The Republican party has done pretty well in
surviving disasters lately. A president who started a war on trumped-up excuses
that leaves more Americans dead than 9/11 did? He’s a hero and anyone who
disagrees with that hates
Yep, the good old boys of the GOP are pretty
tolerant of their brethren’s transgressions, but they do have their
limits. Sex, of course, is considered a mighty risky proposition by these guys,
a rather nasty, gooey process best left to those who know they’re doing,
like Democrats. And if you must dip the wick somewhere, it better be in an
authorized location. Specifically, your wife’s vagina, approached from
the top, in the dark, late at night, in your own bedroom, with no noise
allowed. While there may be a few exceptions granted occasionally, there is one
ironclad rule in the Republican sexual hymnbook: No fudge-packin’,
corn-holin’, ass-rammin’, dick-lickin’ faggots, God damn it!
So it’s a rare bit of well-deserved
poetic justice that the incident that may well bring down the wrath of the
Republicans’ very own sexually repressed base on their panicked,
gay-baiting asses is one Mark Foley, ex-Representative, slime bag, hypocrite
and flaming homosexual.
You know the story by now. The Congressman
who’s the chairman of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's
Caucus sends sexually explicit email and instant messages to congressional
pages who happen to be underage (bad enough) and male (holy shit!) One of the
pages’ parents complains, the complaint reaches the leadership of the
House Republicans and they sweep it under the rug, or more precisely, back into
the closet. When the news finally
breaks, a year later, the homo resigns, holy hell breaks out and the pious
fingers start pointing.
The guy taking most of the heat right now is
House Speaker Dennis Hastert. Dennis, sounding a lot like a Catholic bishop who
just discovered a priest with an altar boy fetish, says he didn’t know anything
about this nasty business until last week. Rep. Thomas Reynolds, the chairman
of the National Republican Congressional Committee, responsible for getting
Republicans elected to congress in an election that is only five weeks away,
says he told Dennis about this last year and the senile fat bastard just
wasn’t paying attention. Conservative honchos, who control all things
Republican in this country, are appalled and calling for Dennis to resign. The
rest of the GOP candidates are running away from Foleygate as fast as
congressional pages did when they used to see Mark coming down the hallway with
that leering grin and an invitation for dinner.
When the Republican Representatives went
home this past weekend for some one-on-one campaigning with their constituents,
this is what greeted them:
“Hey, Congressman, what’s the
story with the child-porker you been protectin’? I thought you and me
agreed that those damn queers deserved nothin’ better than to have their
slippery wangs sawed off and fed to the wood chipper!”
“Yes, sir, I’m just as outraged
as you are that this happened and I intend to get to the bottom of it. Nobody
gets in front of me in the Watch How Much I Hate The Swishy Fruit club. And
don’t forget Bill and Hillary! Now, can I depend on your vote?”
As all the politicians from both parties
know, sex is something everybody can understand, even the
inbred white trash that the conservatives’ incessant anti-gay message is
directed towards. Those people
don’t get the money laundering or the campaign finance violations, or
even the
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