I Still Think the Ramseys Did It

8/21/2006

For the latest in the sad saga of JonBenet Ramsey, look what we found under a rock in Thailand

Where in the hell did they find this pervert? JonBenet Ramsey’s 10-year-old murder case has had more than its fair share of arrogant assholes and incompetent idiots, so John Mark Karr’s entry to the party will seem like a visit to the Good Old Boy’s Club. Just when we thought Patsy Ramsey’s death might finally put this monstrosity of a case to a well-deserved rest, John-Boy shows up in Thailand, saying he loved JonBenet and “accidentally” killed her. The Thai officials were so thrilled to get him out of the country, they loaded him on a plane to the States and tried to get him drunk on champagne, beer, wine and fried king prawn. Now we have to figure out what to do with him.

Here’s an idea: Lock him up with John Ramsey and let them have a buggering contest with each other. I don’t believe a word of it. To me, this smells like it always did. One of the parents killed her and both have been acting like the guilty parties ever since. What about this new guy, you say? How could you be so cruel to the long-suffering parents, especially now that Patsy is in her grave, heart-broken by the events surrounding her daughter’s death? Don’t you feel guilty about the way you hounded and harassed the Ramseys (not to mention Baba Wawa) over the years, you sadistic bastard?

After careful consideration, the answer, in a word, is: NO!

There’s no doubt John Mark Karr is the stereotyped suspect for a crime like this. Plenty of experience with young girls. Child pornography charges in the past. Getting fired from teaching jobs for improper behavior. One can easily imagine him slinking around the Baby Beauty Queen contests that JonBenet used to compete in, watching the frilly panties running and thinking all those impure thoughts the nuns warned him about in elementary school.

Show me the DNA test results and I’ll be convinced. Right now, there are too many questions about his confession, like his ex-wife’s statement that he was with her in Alabama on the day of the crime. Like his statement that he picked up JonBenet from school that day when it was actually closed for Christmas vacation. Like years worth of bungling and groveling by the authorities in Boulder, Colorado, where the murder was committed. Like the Ramseys’ own high-handed refusal to assist in the investigation and their subsequent public pleas for sympathy.

Here are a few more questions I have:

· When you’re on a flight under federal custody, do you still have to go through the metal detectors and have that annoying wand waved around your body like a cattle prod? Do you still have to throw your shampoo into the trash bins that the security guys then loot and sell on eBay? Do you still have to pay cash (exact change appreciated) for the beer, wine and champagne?

· Why is John Ramsey so pissed off at the media? Shouldn’t he be pissed at John Mark Karr?

· Just what exactly is the story with Thailand? For a place where you can get thrown in jail and caned for spitting out gum on the sidewalk, it sounds like a haven for pedophiles and sexual deviates of all flavors. Gary Glitter hung out there, diddling little girls until he was caught earlier this year. John Mark was supposedly shopping for a sex change operation and facial hair removal. If JonBenet had lived, her parents could have made her a superstar there.

· Aren’t you glad to have a distraction from Iraq, Iran, Israel, Lebanon, and Paris Hilton?

Unfortunately, we will all have to wait for the answers. In the meantime, stay away from beauty contests and Thai food. I think the Boulder police will be looking for another suspect real soon.

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