The Great White WMD Hunters

6/26/2006

If you need an example of how emotionally and intellectually bankrupt the Iraq war cheerleaders have become, look no farther than last week's intelligence-insulting and puke-inducing performance by Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania) and Congressman Peter Hoekstra (R-Michigan) on (where else?) Fox News. Of course, there's nothing unusual about Republicans going on Fox to preach to the choir. They spout out the day's talking points from Karl Rove, the interviewer repeats them back, and then they all lift their faces to the heavens with patriotic tears in their eyes to commemorate the divinity of George W Bush. Just another day on the Fair and Balanced network. We report, you retch.

But this time, Little Ricky and Congressman Peter had real news. You remember those Weapons of Mass Destruction they all promised us when we marched into Iraq three years ago? You know, the ones that were about to set off the mushroom cloud that would incinerate all of Christian brotherhood into Kingdom Come? The ones they never quite got around to finding? Well, guess what? Little Ricky and Congressman Peter found them! In a hole! Damn, why didn't we think to look there before? After all, didn't we find Saddam Hussein in a hole? Iraqis keep all their stuff in holes.

With great flair, Little Ricky announced that he had uncovered a previously classified intelligence report about 500 "munitions" containing sarin agents. Fox's Sean Hannity, one of the famed Goose Stepping Gasbags, began bouncing up and down in his chair like a hemorrhoids patient who's been force-fed a steady diet of Cayenne peppers, sputtering that this was Huge! Huge!

It took a spokesman from Bush's own Defense Department to throw some cold water on these pontificating hot heads. "These are not the WMDs for which this country went to war," he said to one of the Foxes. Little Ricky's WMDs were made for Iraq's war with Iran in the 1980's and had long since lost their potency. David Kay, the head of the American team that went to Iraq hunting for WMDs in 2003 and 2004 said, "It is less toxic than most things that Americans have under their kitchen sink at this point."

That opinion agreed with the conclusion of the Iraq Survey Group (also known as the Duelfer report) in September 2004, which stated that there were degraded chemical munitions in Iraq, but they did not constitute WMDs. That report convinced even our Commander in Chief that he had to go out and find another justification for invading Iraq.

Of course, none of these facts dissuaded Little Ricky, Congressman Peter or any of Sean's fellow Goose Stepping Gasbags from their crusade. They are still continuing their rants against the unpatriotic, non-believing heathens and the American-hating, left-leaning media for ignoring this Huge issue.

One other fact that may be of interest in trying to sort this one out: Can you guess which Senator up for re-election this fall is designated by pundits in both parities as the most likely to have his pompous ass booted out of office by the voters? Little Ricky. And it's panicked him enough to go looking in Iraqi holes for salvation. In the end, the voters are always the best Weapons of Ass Destruction.
 
 

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