Gay Marriage, Flag Burning and Constitution Dicking

6/07/2006

Hey, kids, guess what time it is? It's time to dick around with the Constitution! Americans are getting killed in Iraq, screwed at the gas station and spied on at home. So what are our president and Republican-controlled congress fixated on this month? A couple of issues that are sure to improve the lives of all of us who worship at the altar of the Christian Lord and the good old Red, White and Blue: Gay Marriage and Flag Burning!

Yep, it's been a few years since George W Bush has had to depend on the wedge issues. But his base is discouraged and downright pissed. It's time to roll out the reliable queer bogeyman who is guaranteed to scare the heterosexual pants right off good God-fearing Republicans: Bruce and Harry down the street who are threatening the institution of marriage and the activist judges who are helping them in their perverted plot.

What makes up the target audience for this message? The two C's of sexual bigotry:

1.Cretins. These are the drooling, slack jawed morons dumbed down by talk radio and Fox news, who nod their heads in unison to whatever drivel is being stuffed down their throats. "Yeah!", they'll tell you. "If we let them marry, what's next? Polygamy? Man and dog?" Ask them how that might impact their own marriage and the only response you'll get is, "Because Rush said so!" with that superior look that says, "Case Closed!"

2. Closet Queens. Standard brand, sexually repressed gay guys who take out their frustrations by pretending to be homophobes. You know better. These boys would like nothing better than to jump into bed with a hairy ass. Show me a guy who spends his Friday nights beating up faggots and I'll show you a guy who spends his Saturdays searching the pet store for declawed gerbils.

There are a lot of voters in these two groups, which is why we're seeing the sudden political push to pander to them. George's personal butt boy in the US Senate, Bill Frist, future failed presidential candidate, brought the Gay Marriage Amendment to a vote this week, knowing it was doomed to failure. He had some help in the form of foaming-at-the-mouth fellow Senators like David Vitter, Republican of Louisiana, who proudly proclaimed, "I don't believe there's any issue that's more important than this one." Louisiana! David still has constituents who have water moccasins swimming through their living rooms.

Even though the Gay Marriage Amendment failed in the Senate, the House will still bring it up next month. The Cretins and Closet Queens will be busy. The politicians' knee pads will be in heavy rotation.

That's dumb. But it gets dumber.

You may actually know a gay couple who want to get married but how much experience do you have with desecration of the flag? How many times has that occurred in front of you? How many times have you even heard of it happening? Flag burning was declared legal free speech by the US Supreme Court, thus the need (according to George and his crew) for yet another amendment to the US Constitution.

Since its founding, the United States has endured near constant warfare, depressions, 9/11, cancellation of the World Series and an NHL season, disco, Monica Lewinsky, Richard Nixon and two Bush's.  I think our flag is strong enough to withstand some desecration, too. As someone else has pointed out (I don't know who but I wish it was me), it's a trivial issue for trivial minds.

It's only fair to point out that a few Democrats are also jumping onto the flag burning bandwagon, most notably Hillary Clinton, another future failed presidential candidate. Like her Republican counterpart, John McCain, she's realizing that if she wants the main prize, she'll be spending the next few years on her hands and knees being a pandering prostitute to those red state voters.

In this country's history, the Constitution has been amended 27 times. Only one of those amendments, Prohibition, which was later declared null and void, represent restrictions on rights of the people. All the rest are restrictions on the rights of state and federal lawmakers. Remember when the Grand Old Party stood for limited government?
 
 

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