Reps and Dems Finally Agree on Something

5/25/2006

It's a moment that truly makes one proud to be an American. Our competing political leaders in Congress, who usually have trouble agreeing on which of their bodily orifices are going to spew abuse on the taxpayers next, have finally reached unanimous agreement on a matter of vital importance to the nation. Iraq? Immigration? Impeachment? Incontinence? Incompetence?

Don't be so damn naive, Nellie. The only event that can bring Congress together is an attack on Congress. Hey, they may piss and moan at each other, but when an outsider threatens, it's time to circle the wagons.

Last Saturday night, George Bush's Justice Department raided the offices of Congressman William Jefferson, Democrat of Louisiana. Jeff, as he's known to his Congressional compadres, has been under investigation for bribery. What? A member of Congress with his hands in the cookie jar? I demand to see the evidence before I'll believe a scurrilous accusation like that!

Well, how about this: In 2005, the FBI taped Jeff taking a cash bribe of $100,000 in exchange for his influence in some African business deals. They searched his house the next day and found $90,000 of the cash in his freezer, launching a series of great one-liners about cold, hard cash and frozen assets. For some reason, that wasn't enough to nail Jeff, thus the raid of his office at the Capital.

House Republicans, who have looked particularly slimy lately, might well have used Jeff's troubles to point out that it's not just them who are on the take. Everybody does it, as you used to tell your mother when you got caught smoking behind the barn. But instead, House Speaker Dennis Hastert and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, who normally spend their time pointing out how each other's mothers spent their teenage years as neighborhood sluts, issued a joint statement condemning the raid on Jeff's office and demanding that all the seized evidence be returned right now. Separation of powers, you know. Congressional privilege. Even though Jeff is an old-fashioned corrupt snake in the tradition of Spiro Agnew, at least he's our old-fashioned corrupt snake.

It's almost enough to make a cynical, jaded guy want to take George Bush's side on something for a change. Almost.
 
 

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