A Steaming Turd in the GOP Big Tent

5/11/2006

Have you noticed that herd of stampeding elephants? They're in a panic, running from the steaming, stinking turd they've just noticed in the GOP big tent. It's been there for quite some time and all of the elephants knew it was there, but up until recently, they all thought the turd smelled like a flowery victory garden. Eventually, like all turds, this one revealed its true nature, and its true odor. That's when the standard Republican mob mentality took over. "Let's get the hell out of here!" screamed the stampeding elephants. "Let us know when you've gotten rid of that disgusting turd and fumigated the tent. Maybe then we'll come back."

Of course, the offending turd is George W Bush. His fellow Republicans, whom he could always depend on to defend him to the death regardless of how bad he was stinking, have begun abandoning him in droves. Why? The mid-term election is only six months away and George's poll numbers are in the toilet, as befitting a turd of his magnitude. In the latest NY Times / CBS News poll, his approval ratings are the worst of his presidency: 31% approve of the job he's doing as president. 29% approve of the handling of his biggest gift to the country, his war in Iraq. The numbers only go down from there. 26% like his views on immigration and a paltry 13% like the way he's been keeping his pals in the oil industry from buggering us every time we go to the gas station.

And the elephants? Where are their trunks right now? George's approval ratings are 51% from conservatives and 69% from all Republicans. Those are down from near 100% approvals he's received from those groups in the past.

Here are a few other developments that have many Republicans singing like the Dixie Chicks:

• Tom Delay, the biggest slime bag in Congress (for the time being), is going down, courtesy of his own turd-infested dealings with lobbyists. Yet, he's still popping up all over TV, decrying the corruption of Democrats. No mention of why he's the only one under indictment and resigning from Congress.

• George's nominee for CIA Director, Air Force General Michael Hayden, has been an enthusiastic cheerleader for the National Security Agency's illegal eavesdropping program. Republican Senators, who have to approve him, have been coming up with some great lines like, "Ahem, I don't know whether a military man is the right person to lead the CIA at this crucial moment and damn, I'm up for re-election this year!"

• John McCain, one of the few politicians of either party to show even a trace of integrity throughout his career, has been sucking up to the likes of Jerry Falwell, because he understands the sad truth that Jerry has veto power over who wins the Republican presidential nomination. Jerry declared a jihad against John's campaign in 2000 and now John has to go crawling on his hands and knees to grovel for forgiveness; just another political whore like the rest.

• Plamegate still has a few unpleasant surprises left for the Republicans. Big Dick Cheney's indicted aide, Scooter Libby, tells us that George said it was OK to leak classified information about Iraq to reporters and George's henchman Karl Rove may yet be indicted himself.

• The GOP is deeply divided on what to do about illegal immigrants. Half are in the "Send those greasy wetbacks back to their taco stands where they belong. I don't care how much I have to pay for lettuce!" camp, while the other half say, "Who the hell else is going to pick those vegetables? I'm not!"

This all reminds me of the classic "tootsie roll in the swimming pool" scene from Caddyshack. It used to taste sweet, but once the crowd decides it's a turd, it's a turd.
 
 

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