Hari Kari for Michael Brown

9/28/2005

We've all met guys like ex-FEMA chairman Michael Brown. You probably work with a slew of them. They're the back-slapping, boot-licking, apple-polishing worms with no skills or qualifications other than knowing which butts to kiss at the right time and place.  They rise to positions of influence and make life miserable for anyone unfortunate enough to work for them.

You and I may despise guys like Michael, but George W Bush sees them as kindred spirits. After all, he got all the jobs he ever had, including the current one, the same way. Hey, you want a job in my administration? You a good old boy? Come on aboard!

It's a rare occasion when one of the Grossly Incompetent gets caught. They always blame the catastrophes they cause on one of their underlings. But Michael screwed up so badly with Katrina and made such dumb public pronouncements that nobody could mistake him for someone even mildly qualified for his position. He didn't know about the fiasco at the New Orleans Superdome until it had received saturation coverage in the media for four days. His employees were refusing offers of assistance from citizens. There was no coordination of local, state and federal personnel.

It was only after this very public display of idiocy that Micheal's nonexistent natural disaster experience came to light. Then it was the padded resume. Then the college roommate connection that got him the FEMA job in the first place.

But no one bothered to let Michael's good pal George in on what was going down in New Orleans. King George finally sauntered into town, cracked everyone up with his tales of how he used to get drunk there, and then bestowed the immortal words on Michael that will live in infamy: "You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie."

Irrelevant aside: Why does the media make such a big deal about George's habit of giving his cronies nicknames? It's not like they're clever nicknames. How long do you think it took him to come up with the nickname "Brownie" for someone named Brown? Or "Kenny Boy" for Enron chief wanker Ken Lay? What do you suppose he calls Big Dick Cheney?

Anyway, only days after Brownie got his pat on the back, he was mercilessly sent back to Washington and then booted from his FEMA job. Now, two weeks later, Michael testified in front of the House Select Committee investigating what went wrong with the governmental reaction to the hurricane. This was Michael's chance to say publicly, "Well, yes, I am a witless moron who had no business having a job like that, but I'm sorry. Yes, I'm sorry and I promise I'll never attempt to rise above the level of my intellectual capacity again." He could have gotten away with that. In this country, you can get away with anything if you grovel long enough.

But no, Michael chose to be defiant. He responded with the Party Line. The Mayor of New Orleans and the Governor of Louisiana (who just happen to be Democrats) didn't listen to what I told them. The Governors of Mississippi and Alabama (who just happen to be Republicans) performed magnificently. What did you expect me to do, handle everything myself?

Michael doesn't seem to understand that the Republicans don't really want him preaching the Party Line right now. He's their fall guy. The whole blame for all of Katrina's death and destruction is being placed on his slumping shoulders. Soon, Michael Brown's name will be popping up in MBA textbooks all around the world as an example of colossal failure. Elementary school kids will see posters of Michael in their classrooms that their teachers will point to and say, "See, kids? See what happens when you don't study and turn out to be a drooling dumbass?"

If this were Japan, someone would give Michael a samurai sword, offer a ceremonial sake toast, and leave him alone in his room. He'd do the honorable thing. It's not too late, Michael. You can still exit this story with a small semblance of dignity if you act now.

But don't hold your breath. Guys like Michael don't care about dignity. He's probably out on the golf course at this minute, plotting his next career move. Hey, he could do a heck of a job on the Supreme Court.
 
 

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