The Hillary Killer Wannabees

8/12/2005

You want to make a Republican drop a load in his pants? You want to make the sweat run down his spine straight into the crack of his ass? You want to make his balls shrivel to the size of marbles? (This will work with Republican women, too. They're all born with a big brass set of them.) All you need is two words: President Hillary. Nothing causes their bile to rise and their elastic knee-sock garters to sink faster than the thought of Hillary Clinton's high heels stomping their way over the head of some pathetic Republican presidential nominee into the White House again.

What exactly is it about her that causes that reaction? Ask them and they'll tell you it's because she's a radical, abortion-lovin', muff-divin', crack-snackin' liberal. That it was only the good conservative citizens of the Republican party who saved America from Hillary's socialized medicine scheme. That anybody who's lived with Bill Clinton all these years is guilty by association. Don't believe a word of it. The reason they can't stand Hillary is because they're afraid she's going to win.

Such an event would cause mass suicides at Young (and Old) Republican clubs all over red-state America, so the plan is to eliminate that possibility altogether by heading her off at the pass. Hillary has to run for re-election next year as a US Senator from New York. Wouldn't it be great to find someone - anyone - with the guts, money and good old Republican smarminess to become the great Hillary Killer of 2006?

There have been a number of potential candidates who've been touring the state, trying to build up their name recognition with the voters and the party honchos. Two in particular seem to have the attention of the press, if no one else. It's over a year before the election, but let's have a look at the state of Hillary Killer Wannabees at this point.

Ed Cox

If that name seems familiar in a vague, 1960's sort of way, it should. Ed Cox married Richard Nixon's daughter Tricia in a 1971 White House wedding. What's he been doing for the last 34 year? Nobody knows. What's his resume say? Richard Nixon's son-in-law. Period. He's a professional Richard Nixon son-in-law and that ought to be good enough for you. At least he's not ashamed to admit it. When was the last time you heard anything about Spiro Agnew's son-in-law?

Since that is Ed's sole qualifiation to be the next Senator from New York, perhaps he should be persuaded to speak out on the topic a bit more. What did he learn from the old man? Is Ed a darkly evil, paranoid sociopath who wanders around his residence at 3AM in a drunken stupor, muttering to pictures of dead presidents? Does he keep secrets like the secret plan to end the Vietnam war or the secret bombing of Cambodia? Will he maintain an enemies list of people who disagree with him and use the FBI and IRS to harass the listees? Does he get a five o'clock shadow at noon and sweat like a pig in August when he lies on camera?

Tell us more, Ed. The ghost of Tricky Dick casts his rotting shadow on your political future.

Jeanine Pirro

Jeanine, who announced her candidacy this week, is the District Attorney of Westchester County, a suburb of New York City. She is a "moderate" Republican of the type like Governor George Pataki and former Mayor Rudy Guiliani who are successful in New York politics. Her positions on the social issues like abortion and gay marriage are indistinguishable from Hillary's. In an ironic twist, Jeanine has a Husband Problem, just like Hillary. Of course, being a Republican, Jeanine's Husband Problem involves money rather than sex. Only Democrats have sexual Husband Problems. Jeanine's husband Albert got nailed with an income tax fraud conviction in 2000 and served 11 months in the pokey. Make your own judgment as to whether that's better or worse than perjury about a Oval Office blow job.

But it does raise the question, just how does Jeanine differ from Hillary? What will she bring to the Senate that Hillary hasn't? Thus far, Jeanine's only campaign issue is that Hillary is going to run for President in 2008 and that she's using New York as a "doormat" to get there. Standard political fare. Jeanine's father-in-law wasn't President, so just what is her claim to fame? The New York Times describes her as a "hard-charging prosecutor of sex crimes and domestic violence cases and a proponent of Internet stings targeting suspected child molesters."

Stop right there.

There's no better example of absurd and wasteful tactics by law enforcement than sting operations. They create crime instead of preventing it. They create criminals where there were none before. They lie, cheat and steal to cause people to lie, cheat and steal. If Richard Nixon had become a cop, you know he'd be in charge of stings.

In years past, these stings have been low tech, like getting Boy Scouts, presumably working on their Rat Fink merit badges, to go into a convenience store and attempt to buy beer. If they're successful, they cops burst in and arrest the unsuspecting cashier who is always some minimum wage drone trying to pick up a few bucks at a boring job to stay off welfare. Where do you think they end up after they get fired and pay their fines?

These new Internet stings bust guys who think they are arranging a meeting to have sex with an under aged girl who they have met online. But there's no girl at the end of the ride. It's some fat, ugly cop who was pretending to be a willing slut on AIM. And that's the point. No girl. No sex. No crime. Are these guys slimebags? Yes. Are they unbelievably stupid? Yes. But are they pedophiles? No.

Everybody has a price. Everybody. Even you. Promise someone enough of one of Life's Great Motivators, money or sex, and you'll make a sale. No matter what you're selling. I hope the Internet idiots who get arrested in these stings recover from having their lives ruined by wild-eyed, publicity-hungry prosecutors like Jeanine, get themselves good lawyers and juries of their real peers, cry entrapment and get out of jail free.

So there are your Hillary Killer Wannabees for today

First a primary between Deceitful Dick's son-in-law and a deceitful dick. The winner becomes the anointed Hillary Killer and the recipient of the full force of the same Republican winged monkeys who brought you the Swift Boats and Valerie Plame. Check back next year. This could get interesting. But probably not.
 

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