Where the Hell Have I Been?

8/5/2005

Multiple Choice Test - Choose the answer you believe is closest to the truth:

Where the hell have I been for the past two-and-a-half years?

A. At Gitmo being tortured on a daily basis along with the other heathens by John Ashcroft (thought he retired, didn't you? Ha!) who would stick little American flags in our body orifices and demand we sing "Hail to the Chief" in four part harmony.

B. Too depressed, miserable and heartbroken by the state of the war, the economy, the elections, cable TV news, baseball and the fact that I saw only one of Janet Jackson's boobs.

C. Distracted and busy being a new father, as well as struggling to get through the week at that semi-satisfying day job with my integrity, dignity and body parts all intact.

D. Both B and C, but I shouldn't act so damn complacent because A is just around the corner, as it should be for arrogant, sarcastic, elitists like me.
 
 

If you picked D, give yourself a cupie doll. Parenthood and writers' block have conspired to keep me away from the keyboard. There've been other priorities, even as each morning's paper would cause my blood to boil and my stomach to retch.

Lots has changed since I last wrote something here in December 2002. We were only thinking about going into Iraq back then. Well, you and I were thinking about it, but Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Rice were doing something about it. I predicted a quagmire. Sorry I was right. I'm not usually one of those "I told you so" guys, but those boneheaded bastards should have listened to me, damn it.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Saddam Hussein is in jail posing for underwear ads but Osama bin Laden is still lounging around in some Afghanistan cave scratching his balls and humping camels. Valerie Plame has been outed as an undercover CIA agent but Karl Rove is still oozing slime all over anyone who has the audacity to disagree with the Gospel according to George. New York Times reporter Judith Miller is just as incarcerated as Saddam is, but that pompous, bloated blowhard Robert Novak is still fouling the airwaves and self-destructing on CNN.

Here's a bit more progress that's been made since I've been gone. Michael Jackson has been officially found innocent of fondling a young boy after getting him drunk on Jesus Juice (he'll now devote his life to finding the real fondler), but Martha Stewart has been officially found guilty of being the nasty, lying, electronic-anklet-wearing witch we all knew her to be. Every sports record for the last 10 years has to be re-annotated with steroid asterisks but nobody thought to give Arnold Schwarzenegger a urine test when he signed the contract to be a nutritional supplement consultant while he's simultaneously signing bills to ban the same substances. Meet the New Pope ... Same as the Old Pope.

Holy Knocked-Up Britney! I turn my back for a few years and you guys make the human cesspool swirl twice as fast and smell ten times worse.

And what's this blogging stuff all about? How did guys spewing their un-edited and self-centered thoughts onto the web become so powerful and profound? I did that for years and no one ever considered me powerful or profound. (Well, I did, but nobody else.) Does this mean I'm a blogger now? Yes? Well, step back, man, and show some respect. I can blog with the best of them. Actually, the word "blog" sounds a lot like the noise I make when my stomach retches. Very appropriate.
 

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