Christmas Wish List
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Christmas Wish List |
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Hey, Santa! You still there? We
need you bad this year, Big Guy. Do you have any idea what the rest of the
world has been up to while you and the elves have been relaxing at the North
Pole? The crazies have taken over the asylum. The pigs have torn down their
pens and spread their slop worldwide. The naughty are sticking it to the
nice on a daily basis and only you can save us from all this nastiness with
your timely gift giving. I don't want anything for myself, of course, but
in the selfless spirit of the holidays, I've listed some suggestions for
much needed gifts that a few of those other guys could use. Don't pass us
by, Santa. You're our only hope!
Give Massa Trent Lott a one way ticket back to
the Mississippi plantation where he can escape all those problems that we
caused by ending racial segregation. Massa Trent broke up Ole Massa Strom
Thurmond's 100th birthday party by lamenting that Ole Massa Strom wasn't
elected president back in '48 when everyone knew their rightful place. (Ole
Massa Strom's only reaction was, "That guy smells like he sprayed his head
with shellac!") And speaking of guys who've made entire careers by exploiting
race ...
Send Jesse "Hymietown" Jackson and Al "Tawana
Brawley" Sharpton over to live at Massa Trent's plantation as the house
Negroes. Give all three of them bull whips and let them fight it out. And
speaking of future vaudeville acts ...
Give Chickenhawks George W Bush and Big Dick
Cheney an all expense paid trip to a place where they've never been because
they chose not to go: Vietnam. There, they can take a tour and learn some
history. George and Big Dick think their war in Iraq is going to be a cake
walk like Pappa Bush's Gulf War. No, boys, if you want to get Saddam, you're
going to have to wage war in the streets of Baghdad with people who actually
live there. That won't be too much different from fighting the Viet Cong
in the jungles. Big Dick, explain to George what "quagmire" means. And speaking
of warmongering gas bags ...
Give Henry Kissinger a medal for his two weeks
of tough personal sacrifice as head of the 9/11 investigation and our thanks
for realizing that he'd have a hard time typing up a report with hands that
are still dripping with Southeast Asian blood. And speaking of unemployed
criminals ...
As Cardinal Bernard Law gets shuffled around from
one meaningless job to another, give him one of his perverted priests to
follow him around. Closely. Very closely. And speaking of flaming pedophiles
...
Give Michael Jackson his surgical mask back so
we don't have to see that grotesque face ever again. (Here's a question
for you physics majors: If Michael Jackson dangles his infant son over the
railing of a fourth floor balcony and suddenly sneezes, which hits the ground
first: The screaming baby or the end of Michael's nose?) And speaking of
guys who have too much time on their hands ...
Give Al Gore something to do. A job, a hobby, a
girlfriend. Anything. As long as it's far away from TV cameras. It's absolutely
painful to watch him prattle on about what he'd do if only.
Yeah, Al, you got a bum deal, but I can't stand to watch anymore. As Jed
Clampett used to say, "Pit-i-ful. PIT-I-FUL!" And speaking
of sad, sorry sods who make you want to turn your head and pretend they're
not there when you see them coming down the street ...
Give Pete Rose some betting slips and the latest
odds on getting his lifetime ban from baseball rescinded. If they do let
him back in, hopefully he can put on a baseball cap to hide that hideous
haircut. That's reason enough. And speaking of social outcasts ...
Give Tonya Harding my love and kisses. She rocks.
She rolls. She rules. She kicked Paula Jones's sleazy butt in the boxing
ring so bad that now Tonya's going pro. Boxing is much more suited to someone
of Tonya's talents than some prissy sport like figure skating. After all,
when was the last time you heard anything about Nancy Kerrigan?
That's my list, Santa. I've checked it twice. See what
you can do. And if you have any extra room in the sleigh, a warm and peaceful
holiday season would be real nice.