Tony Soprano and George W Bush

9/16/2002

Two of the most powerful men in America, Tony Soprano and George W Bush (in order of importance), were making a lot of noise this week. Tony, the New Jersey mafia don, returned to prime time after a year-plus-long hiatus. George, the Texas warlord, was pounding the table and the pavement, trying to convince the world to follow him on his trek to Iraq. It's fitting that Tony and George are dominating the news at the same time because they have a lot in common.  They both rose from a shady past to the top of their respective professions through a combination of family connections, obsessive secrecy and some well placed broken heads.

Let's take a closer look at the Soprano / Bush brotherhood theory:

Tony and George are constantly surrounded by their entourage, guys like Paulie Walnuts, Silvio Dante, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove. Those boys provide advice and muscle to their bosses, but like any band of thugs, you don't want to get on their bad sides and you'd probably sleep better at night if they were all in jail. Separate cells, please.

They were each raised by a tough, nail-spitting mother, and a milquetoast, retiring father who ended his career in failure. If you think Paulie and Dick are scary, try spending a childhood with Livia Soprano or Barbara Bush.

Both of them have daughters that are hot, hormonal and serious party animals. Can you imagine partying with Meadow Soprano and the Bush twins? PARTY! George doesn't have a son, but if he did, there's no doubt he'd be a clone of Tony's son AJ: sullen and dopey.

For all the power they have over their work environments, Tony and George both have a hard time keeping their family members in line. They're each a brother to a major embarrassment (murdering, obnoxious Janice Soprano and Florida election disaster-meister Jeb Bush), as well as an uncle to an out-of-control druggie (Christopher Moltisanti and Noelle Bush).

At his best, Tony is full of backslapping camaraderie. But he has a dark side. That's when you want to get the hell out of his way. At his best, George is also full of backslapping camaraderie. But he has a dumb side. That's when the whole world wants to get the hell out of his way.

When George gets stressed, he regresses into Bush-speak where he starts using words like "crawfished" and "subliminable". When Tony gets stressed, he passes out face first on the floor. Sometimes he crawfishes.

Dad's geriatric old pals are causing havoc for Tony and George. Uncle Junior tried to have Tony whacked in a spiteful pissing contest and George has to contend with the likes of Brent Scowcroft and James Baker offering unsolicited advice on Iraq.

They both have at least one lieutenant who's certifiably insane and blatantly dangerous. Crazy Ralphie Cifaretto killed his girlfriend in the Bada Bing parking lot. Crazy John Ashcroft is killing the constitution, one right at a time.

And what about Pussy? (Not pussy, you pervert, Pussy!) Who does George have who resembles big, dumb Pussy, the family loyalist turned FBI informant who got executed, gangland style, by the guys who used to be his best friends in the world? Pussy is us, kids. You and me. Everyday, we go out and do what's necessary to come back home with our sanity, dignity and body parts intact. But the mob in charge keeps kicking our asses, stealing our 401(k)s and sending us off to a war they can't explain.

 

[ Home Page | Email ]