Here's What I Know After 50 Years

9/4/2002

When I was 10 years old, I knew pretty much everything. I knew the truth about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. I also knew more than my younger brother, which made me very powerful, at least around our house. Knowledge = Power. I knew that, too.

When I was 20, I knew pretty much everything. Not only did I still know more than my brother, by that time, I knew more than my father, too. I even knew more than the President of the United States, Richard Nixon. I knew that he was going to end up getting his lying, sorry butt nailed to the cross someday. Deep down, Tricky Dick probably knew it, too, but he couldn't admit it, even to himself.

When I was 30, I knew pretty much everything, but it wasn't all good. I finally realized I wasn't going to become a baseball player or a rock & roll star, my original career goals. Like Tricky Dick, I probably saw the sad handwriting on the wall years earlier, but it didn't come up and slap me in the face until the Big 3-0.

When I turned 40, the cops showed up at my birthday party. One of my neighbors, obviously pissed off that I was still able to enjoy life at that advanced age, angrily called the authorities. Three of Binghamton's Finest arrived at my front door at 2AM to confront me about the noise. They obviously expected to find a house full of drunken teenagers, but all they found were me and my 40-something friends. I've always been proud of that. But I did know enough to turn down the music.

Now, through some vast conspiracy of events, I have unexpectedly turned 50. I don't know how that happened. We baby boomers were supposed to stay forever young, basking in our peace, love and bongs. But now the Pinball Wizard has carpal tunnel syndrome and the Midnight Rambler falls asleep on the couch in front of the TV at 9:30. On the bright side, however, as you might have predicted, I really do know everything at this point. For example:

• The speed at which people walk down the sidewalk is inversely proportional to the width of their asses.

• When someone tells you he's going to play Devil's Advocate, what he really means is, "Your idea stinks and I'm going to tell you why."

• The best part of the week is Friday night. It's full of celebration and promise. The worst part of the week is Sunday night. It's full of dread and broken dreams.

• Two of the most intelligent TV characters ever to hit the airwaves were Beavis and Butthead. They had a marvelously simple philosophy of life. Everything and everyone in the world belongs in one of two categories: Those that are cool and those that suck. Go for what's cool. Stay away from what sucks.

• I can still do everything I could do at age 30 except drive on the Johnson City traffic circle without threatening to kill someone.

• When you hear "I'm a Christian ...", you can be about 99% sure that what you hear next will be intolerant, hate-filled and judgmental.

• The people who really think they have it all together are the world's biggest wankers.

• If you don't contribute mountains of money to politicians and aspiring politicians, you will have absolutely no say in anything that goes on.

• Politicians are mostly hypocrites and whores. The ones that aren't that way before they get in turn out that way as soon as the mountains of money show up.

• Of all the gross, disgusting, puke-inducing things I've ever seen in my day, nothing matches that community microwave oven down the hall at work.

• Elvis is dead. You may think you've seen him working as a greeter at Wal-Mart, but he's dead, damn it. Get over it. Jim Morrison, on the other hand, is alive and well and living in Deposit. I hire him to seal my driveway every few years. He does a great job and whistles "Love Me Two Times" as he's spreading the tar around.

• If you want to feel really young again, go out dancing to the music that was popular when you were a teenager. You'll feel really old the next day, but let's face it, you are old.

• When I was younger, I wanted to save the world. I still do, but now the world consists of my wife and family, as well as a few close friends. And me, of course. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.

• When you call your health insurance company to find out why they haven't paid the claim you submitted six months ago and you keep getting passed around amongst an endless stream of feeble-minded bureaucrats who begin every sentence with, "We're sorry, sir ...", the only thing you know for sure is that they're not sorry.

• I've been 50 for nearly a month and I still haven't heard from the AARP. Where the hell are they?

• The most threatening menace to world order that occurred during my lifetime was disco music. It ruined the late 1970s and made turning on the radio hazardous to your health. The other day I thought that with my newly found maturity, I'd give disco another chance. I wanted to see whether it was really as bad as I remembered, or if it had just been my youthful rock & roll rebellious nature that made me hate disco so much. So I bought "Abba's Greatest Hits". You gotta admit, "Dancing Queen" was a pretty catch tune, regardless of its genre. Guess what? Disco still sucks.

• Here's something that makes me feel 20 again. I still know more than the President of the United States.

Finally, I know there's hope for the future. A friend of mine recently brought his son to college for his freshmen year. As they entered the dorm, the first music they heard was "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band". Life is good.

 

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