johnmonty.com - Someone Please Hide the Salami

Someone Please Hide the Salami

6/20/2002

There's still plenty of salami around but no one hides it anymore.

Aren't these headlines today depressing? Terrorists, war, nuclear weapons, Congressional hearings, corrupt business executives, who knew what when and why? You know what's missing? Sex! Does anybody remember sex? Except for Catholic priests, no one's hiding the salami these days and we're all the worse for it.

It wasn't that long ago that we were reveling in Oval Office blow jobs and salami-hiding hypocrites in Congress spouting family values. We didn't know how good we had it. Every day brought a new scandal and ten more jokes in the email. The late night comedians and early morning cartoonists had a field day. Those were the good old glory days of perpetual hidden salami. Sex scandals bring us together. We understand what they're all about. No one understood Whitewater but everybody understood Monica Lewinsky. No one knows how Chandra Levy died but we all know whose salami she was hiding.

Alas, nothing lasts forever. As usual, when a Republican administration comes to town, all forms of salami hiding cease and desist. It's back to financial and environmental scandals. They're good for a few days of headlines, then we all fall asleep. Have a look at the sorry state of today's main cast of characters:

George W Bush may have hidden the salami in some unauthorized places during his young and irresponsible days, but not lately. He's been accused of many things, but not that.

Dick Cheney thinks about hiding the salami rather frequently (it's when he gets that crooked half-smile on his face) but then he thinks about his wife (the scariest woman in Washington since Nancy Reagan) and the heart pains start. What he's really worried about are the salami pains.

John Ashcroft gave up salami hiding many years ago for religious reasons. He is also rumored to have given up the salami.

Condoleeza Rice does not allow salamis to hide in her thoughts, dreams, imagination or any other body part.

Ari Fleisher: "People need to watch what they say and watch where they hide the salami."

Karen Hughes quite rightly realized that Texas is more hospitable to salami hiding than Washington.

Karl Rove keeps conducting polls to determine how some strategic Republican salami hiding might benefit George in the 2004 election (only in those perverted blue states that voted for Al Gore, of course.)

Gary Condit? He'll never hide a salami in this town again!

Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and Yassir Arafat only hide the salami in camels and goats. That's why they're so pissed off.

And the only thing Martha Stewart's had inside her is insider stock tips.

Probably the only guy in the upper echelon who has any salami hiding potential at all is 70 year-old recycled Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. He's pretty busy these days but if he ever gets some spare time, he could become the most prolific Republican stud since Bob Dole.

But that's all there is. Salami hiding is pretty far removed from the hearts and minds of the world's movers and shakers right now. Isn't that sad? Come on, boys and girls, lighten up. Hiding the salami is good for you and the country. Consider it an act of charity and patriotism. The country deserves a break from the incessant drudgery of war and pestilence.

So bring out your salamis! Let Karl Rove know you think it's OK if we have a little salami hiding in the executive branch. It doesn't have to be GWB; Tom Ridge might be a suitable candidate. The Homeland would be much more secure if there were more salamis being hidden out there at night.

Write your representative in Congress. You know what would be really cool? Two members of Congress hiding the salami together. Has that ever happened? Maybe Bob Barr and Tom Delay. They're both way overdue in the salami hiding department. It would do them and us a world of good.

And the Supreme Court? Think of the possibilities! Clarence, time to bring those Long Dong Silver videos out of the vault.

And for those of you who are still resisting the notion that we all need to get back into the salami hiding business in a big way, consider this: If that Forest Service lady in Colorado had been hiding the salami instead of playing with fire, it'd be a lot cooler out there today.

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