Bush is Dickin' with the Doctrine
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Bush is Dickin' with the Doctrine |
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There are certain words and
phrases that cause me to reach for the barf bag in a sweaty panic: Split
pea soup. Kathie Lee Gifford. References
to the Dallas Cowboys as "America's Team". They have been on my Retch List
for years, but now there's a new expression rising rapidly on the Gag Me
charts with a bullet: The Bush Doctrine. The Bush Doctrine.
The very sound of it is ludicrous and puke-inducing. Clear the path to
the bathroom, folks. I need to kneel down and worship the Great White Throne
for a few hours.
My dictionary defines "doctrine" as "A principle or body of principles presented for acceptance or belief, as by a religious, political, scientific, or philosophic group." The term "Bush Doctrine" was brought to you by the image-makers on his payroll who want you to believe that our president is full of gravitas and profound thoughts. Please allow me to blow lunch, toss my cookies and hurl until dinnertime. The only "body of principles" George W Bush cares about are our bodies, which he's sold to the energy companies for their gluttonous consumption.
The alleged Doctrine, which George came up with shortly after 911, says simply: "You're either for us or against us in the war against terrorism. If you're a terrorist, if you sponsor terrorism, if you tolerate terrorism, we're gonna come over there and kill you." Nicely stated. And George proceeded to do just that in Afghanistan. In short order, he toppled the Taliban government and crippled Osama bin Laden's al Qaeda terrorist organization. George got 90% approval ratings for doing what he said he was going to do. Well deserved.
But what's next for George and his Doctrine? Getting Osama dead or alive, once the top priority, is no longer a priority, say the Doctrinaires. Forget Osama. According to the Doctrine, he's no longer against us, so he must be for us. Mission Accomplished. Next! It must be time for Terrorist Number Two on George's terrorist list. And who's that? Our old nemesis Saddam Hussein.
Oooh. Invoking Saddam's name is always good for a little fear and loathing. Did he have anything to do with 911? No, but we strongly suspect he's making weapons of mass destruction, he won't allow UN inspectors in, and (most importantly) he's bad baggage left over from Daddy Bush's lack of a Bush Doctrine. So Saddam must go.
Last month, Dick Cheney crawled out of his hole and went over to the Mideast on a tour of Arab countries to invite them along on our Doctrine mission to get Saddam. The reaction he expected was, "Yes, Dick. Whatever you say, Dick. You da Big Dick!" The reaction he got was a unanimous, "Buzz off Bozo, there's a war going on over here already!"
There is? Are you sure? George didn't know anything about some other war. How the hell could that have escaped his attention? The battle between Israel and the Palestinians has only been going on for 50 years, so maybe the word just hadn't gotten all the way to Crawford, Texas yet?
No, that's not how it happened. Actually, George knew full well about the crisis there but chose not to get involved. Why? Why would the President of the United States, the most powerful man in the world, deliberately disengage himself from a potential powder keg that when blown would directly affect not only one of our closest allies, but also our supply of foreign oil? Two words: Bill Clinton.
George chose not to get personally involved in the peace process between Israel and Yassir Arafat's Palestine Liberation Organization solely because Bill did get personally involved. If there is a Bush Doctrine, it is "Whatever Bill Clinton did, do the opposite." That's it. The only reason. No thought process involved. It was a gift of raw meat thrown to the snorting carnivores in the cages of the Republican right wing, whose butts are still emblazoned with the lip marks George planted there when he was running for President.
So by the time Dick comes back from the Mideast and wakes George up, Arafat's suicide bombers have been killing the women and children of Israel and the Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon, has invaded all the towns in the Palestinian occupied territory, holding Arafat captive in his own headquarters to boot.
George, after ignoring the whole situation for his entire 15 months in office, starts barking out orders: "Arafat, call off your bombers. Sharon, withdraw your troops. Without delay!"
The results? Arafat and Sharon both ask, "Did you hear something?" and continue right on doing what they were doing. The raw meat eaters are screaming like stuck pigs that their boy George isn't following the Bush Doctrine by killing Arafat. He's a terrorist, isn't he? George's press spokesman, the worm-like Ari Fleischer, makes a statement blaming the whole mess on (can you guess?) Bill Clinton, of course. And George begins to realize (perhaps) that his simplistic, black-and-white, made-for-the-feeble-minded Doctrine has no basis in reality. He's a binary guy in a very analog position.
Of course, there's always somebody
who can find a silver lining. VP Dick sees all this chaos as a great opportunity
to have his pals in the oil industry start gouging again, which you've
noticed if you've bought gas any time in the last month. We should call
that the Dick Doctrine.