Religion on its Keister at Easter

3/29/2002

Praise God and Love Your Neighbor! Isn't that the basic message of all religion? Doesn't matter which religion or which God. That's the bottom line. It's supposed to be, anyway. But somehow the praising and loving always seem to take a back seat to the killing and brutalizing in God's name. That's been going on for centuries, but this Easter finds all the world's religions in particularly nasty self-inflicted sad states.

In the Mideast, the traditional Jew vs. Muslim blood bath has ratcheted itself up enough notches to be completely out of control. Suicide bombers and bombastic political leaders are a deadly combination. This one's going to blow any day now. When it does, it's going to engulf the entire region and affect the whole world. Praise God!

Meanwhile, the Muslims who are not pre-occupied with killing Jews are in India killing Hindus or in Afghanistan plotting to kill more Christians.

And speaking of Christians, there's a rotten-Easter-egg odor coming from both the Catholic and Protestant bigwigs right now that's starting to seep into the sanctuary and wilt the Easter lilies.

The Catholics are reeling from the sudden revelation that for years, the church has been hard at work covering up for priests who are predatory pedophiles. Let's be blunt: They fuck children. And the church wise men have been paying off the victims in out-of-court settlements right before they send the child-fucking priests off to other parishes to fuck more children.

In recent weeks, we've heard Enron-like statements from Catholic honchos such as Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston and Cardinal Edward Egan of New York, who deny any wrongdoing. Everything was done according to proper procedure and how were we to know those poor fallen priests might go out there and sin again? The Big Man, Pope John Paul II, made a rambling decree about the "mysteries of evil." When asked if he would have any more to say on the subject, the Pope's spokesman said he was more concerned with world peace.
 

Bernard, Edward and John Paul need to come out from behind the altar and get a reality check: Tomorrow's world peace will be brought about by today's children. And they're not going to be too interested in promoting peace if they've spent their childhoods getting poked and prodded by your priests. Mysteries of evil, my ass. These guys are perverts. Put their pictures on the front page of the paper and let them rot. First in jail, then in hell.

And don't you Protestants stand there looking so smug. You have a few things to answer for, too. Lacking a single hierarchy like the Catholics, the Protestants have always had the problem that any slick, bottom-feeding, evil-swilling, hate-mongering bigot can stand up and claim to be a spokesman for them. In recent years, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson have dominated in the "God wants you to hate those guys and send me money" game. Before that, we had Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart saving lost souls while they got rich (and got laid) on your money.

But the role model for all these telegenic religious hucksters has always been Billy Graham. Billy was seemingly beyond reproach as he sucked up to the politicians and gently urged you to send him your pennies and dimes in that smooth southern drawl of his. But, as we've found out recently, behind the scenes, Billy was just a scheming bigot like all the rest of them. Billy and one of his best pals, President (and paranoid lunatic) Richard Nixon, used to sit around the White House and compete to determine which one of them hated Jews more. "They swarm around me and are friendly to me because they know that I'm friendly with Israel," says Billy the Bigot. "But they don't know how I really feel about what they are doing to this country." Billy says he's sorry now. So are all those gullible chumps who sent him money.

And if you need any further proof that the inmates are running the religious asylum, behold Reverend Michael Woroniecki, shown here with his wife Rachel. Michael has the distinction of being known as Andrea Yates' spiritual mentor. As you may recall, Andrea drowned her five children in the bathtub, one by one, because she thought that was the only way she could prevent them from going to hell. Why would she believe a cockamamie thing like that? What sanctimonious dickhead would feed such ludicrous zealotry to a mentally ill, suicidal mother? Reverend Michael Woroniecki. He told Andrea and her husband Russell that the whole damn family was headed on a one-way trip down to meet Satan in person and Andrea bought it. Love Your Neighbor!

I think I'll find my Easter lilly in the woods this year. It's a lot safer out there.

 

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