I Want More Celebrity Boxing!

3/16/2002

Let's hear it for Fox TV! Their News channel may be contaminated by a gang of Nazi blowhards, but over at the Entertainment division, they rock! 15.5 million deviant derelicts (including me) tuned in to watch Tonya Harding kick Paula Jones' cowardly ass on Celebrity Boxing last week. Didn't you just love seeing Paula turn tail and try to run away from the mighty Tonya? Right now, Paula is surely back in Arkansas, nursing her wounds and wondering why she ever left the trailer park in the first place. What a great show! I haven't had so much fun watching TV since OJ Simpson's low speed run from the police on the LA freeway.

But now I have a problem. I'm addicted. I gotta have more. I can't think about anything else. My body is screaming for more Celebrity Boxing! I'm not gonna make it out alive unless I get some soon. And I mean right away!

OK, I better calm down. Give me a minute while I take a few deep breaths. There, that's better. I think the most constructive thing I can do right now is to put my overly active imagination to work and suggest some interesting future match ups. They'll provide a fix to all us Celebrity Boxing junkies as well as permanently removing some unwanted riffraff from the national stage.
 
 

The "Dangerously Hysterical Religious Lunatics" Match John Ashcroft vs. Russell Yates

Attorney General John Ashcroft is a pompous, self-righteous nut case who wants to stuff his sanctimonious, extremist ravings down the entire country's collective throat. Russell Yates is married to Andrea Yates, who just got convicted for drowning her five children in the bathtub. He forced her to keep having kids and school them at home (for God!) until her already damaged mind became completely unhinged.

The best thing about this match? Both of these guys will believe they have no chance of losing because they have God on their side. They'll fight with reckless abandon and won't try to defend themselves. Expect a lot of blood from both, but the smart money's betting on Russell. He's used to fighting with people crazier than he is.

The "Depraved Sadistic Indifference" Match Ray Marsh vs. Chante Mallard

You think Tonya looked scary in the ring? Try one of these two on for size. Ray Marsh is the crematory operator in Georgia who stacked 300-some bodies in the woods instead of cremating him like he was paid to. Chante Mallard is the hit-and-run driver in Texas who impaled a homeless guy in her windshield, drove home and let the guy bleed to death in her garage.

This one's a fight to the finish and we burn the bodies afterwards. Not at Ray's crematory, though.

The "Don't Tell Me How To Run My Country, Fuzz Nuts!" Match Dick Cheney vs. Hosni Mubarak

Dick Cheney is on a tour of the Middle East, telling the leaders of the region that we're fixin' to go kill Saddam Hussein. He is shown here in just such a discussion with Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, who is telling Dick, "A war in Iraq would destabilize our region and besides, we know you're just after the oil anyway, so don't give me any of that high ground moralizing crap you're always spewing, you slick bastard!"

Dick looks a bit shell-shocked by the lecture he's receiving from Hosni. That could be because he's used to hearing "Yes, sir!" when he talks to inferior beings (like George W Bush) or because:

• He's still jet lagged from the time change
• He has sunstroke from the sudden exposure after six months in that underground bunker
• He had fried yak balls for lunch

Anyway, this fight is no contest. Dick has a bad heart and if he leaves the ring at all, it will be as a big time loser. Get back down in that bunker, Dick. Don't come out until we give you the all-clear. And I don't think it's going to look all clear for a long time.

The "Which Ones Are the Real Animals?" Tag Team Match Robert Noel & Marjorie Knoller vs.  A Pack of Wild Dogs With Rabies

Robert Noel and Marjorie Knoller owned the two killer dogs in San Francisco who did what they were trained to do (kill) to a neighbor. They're now on trial for murder.

Who wins? Who cares?
 
 

The "Obsolete, Senile Old Bigots" Match Billy Graham vs. Jesse Helms

Jews root for Jesse. Blacks and gays root for Billy. Everyone else roots for both of their motorized wheelchairs to overheat and catch on fire.

Finally, I know I'm not a celebrity, but if they're looking for a few good men, I'm available. I'll volunteer to perform a public service, for free, by going up against one of those bloated gas bags who are always fouling the airwaves with their pontificating poop. Let's say, someone like William Bennett. He outweighs me by about a hundred pounds, but I think I can take him. (Actually, Bill outweighs most everybody.) He's not in very good shape. Have you ever noticed when he's done talking he always makes a gross snorting noise like a queef choir at the old ladies home?

One punch. Good bye, Bill. Hello, Tonya!

 

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